life has caught up with me.

and i haven't much to write about.

correction: i haven't much energy to write with.

but my life hasn't been this calm in quite awhile.

i think i'm still recovering from the last year or so.

i still marvel that i don't arrive home completely exhausted and drained every night.

i'm transitioning out of survival mode.

and entering people mode.

which is actually just as draining but in a different way.

i'm not used to having people this involved in my life.

it's been awhile. actually i'm not sure when it's ever been to this extent.

i've always had 'other' things to do to serve as a buffer.

this job doesn't really serve as a buffer at all.

as a matter of fact it puts me right in the middle of it even more.

i've found myself becoming more cynical already. less grateful.

i've no doubt God has me where i am for a very good reason. but it's not really about my job at all. and that's fine. it doesn't need to be. but it does mean i have to be much more conscious about my attitude towards my job. and watch my tongue. check my attitude.

i can't decide if my lack of motivation in certain areas such as my living situation post-June and my future education are because i'm becoming lazy or just letting down my guard. either way, i'm not feeling it. though i am getting a bit more concerned about the living situation as the drive becomes more and more tedious.

this is my life now. a stable job. a stable living situation. people involved in my life.

a year ago i never would've imagined it turning out like this.

is it egotistical of me to enjoy reading my own blog?

it's got to be.

oh well.

it's funny how as i'm writing something, it feels like it makes no sense whatsoever. my thoughts are jumping all over the place and i struggle to decipher which ones make the cut and which ones don't. but then when i go back and read it a day or two, or especially a month later, a thought process emerges from the jumble of words on the screen that is fluid and clear. God reminds/teaches me something more through my own words.

the last two days have been ones of intensive cleaning/organizing at work--an excellent reprieve from all of the social running arounds of last week. but i think i'm setting myself up for failure. i can only organize like this when i have something on my mind/been too social. pretty soon i'm going to run out of steam.

i was challenged today by a small but mighty book--the pursuit of God by a.w. tozer.

he delved deep into abraham's story and his love for his son isaac. how God had to extract his love for isaac from the throne of his heart. tozer does a phenomenal job of describing the emotional rending of abraham's heart and then the redemption. abraham possessed nothing and yet was blessed with everything.

and it brought me back to my own idols. one in particular that i'd pretty much given up for lost a long, long time ago. but people's questions in the last few days made me wonder why i'd stopped considering it. i had a couple of people ask about my desire for children, commenting on how good i am with them. i honestly had to stop and think.

i mean, i love kids. love kids. more and more.

but i couldn't remember the last time i'd truly contemplated having my own. not just as a joke or a random comment, but really dwelt on the thought of having my own children. that stumped me.

until i was cleaning. ah. ha.

it was connected to something else. a cause to explain the effect. that cause goes all the way back to high school and my very first boyfriend. the boyfriend that became the idol of my heart. he came between me and my God--more than once. many, many times. and his cheating on me and my own blatant desire to be desired drove me into another unhealthy relationship immediately following it. and after that relationship ended, i assumed my chances were up. even more than that, i didn't want to touch another serious relationship with a hundred foot pole for fear of him coming between me and my God yet again.

i didn't trust myself. i knew my heart all too well.

so i flirted. i flit. i never landed. and i became like abraham as he wrestled with God the night before isaac's sacrifice. abraham reconciled what God was asking of him with the rationale that He would raise isaac from the dead. as i've wrestled with God about my desire for a relationship and a family, because i have not been able to see how in the world He could ever trust me to give it to me, i have trusted that He would fulfill it in Himself and through other means--working with children, living with friends, etc. but God did not raise isaac from the dead. He didn't even go so far as to have abraham strike him, and yet the purpose was accomplished. abraham's heart was God's throne yet again.

and He has slowly been doing the same for me as well. while He removed the possibility/even the desire for a time to ensure that my heart is His throne, He is asking me to allow that possibility, that dream back in again.

He is restoring for He will do mighty things. And while i don't necessarily trust myself, how can i not trust Him?

i was discussing with a good friend the existential-ness of european films and how he doesn't like it when things don't resolve....

since college philosophy classes (and a few key broken relationships) i've always had a certain fascination with movies/books/art that reflect the existential philosophy. not always for the best. but there nonetheless. friends have even influenced me in their recommendations of what is 'good'. and postmodern art. and my general inability to hold conclusive, real relationships for long periods of time, particularly with guys.

i have been so driven by this irresolution in my life that pervades existentialism, and our culture in general. its been a thought process or i'd go so far as to even say, a belief, that i have not been willing to surrender/deny. and most christians i've encountered would not confront it either. they see the emptiness around them. how can they deny it? what we see is truth, after all. the movies, the books, the art, and ultimately the philosophy are the newest discovery, the latest phenomenon, the mood/temperature of our culture.

and who are we to deny this 'progress'?

because progress is always good. of course.

having now been away from the intellectual/philosophical community for a few years, the hopelessness has faded into the background of just surviving real life. i've had to lean upon my Lord in ways i've never been stretched to do thus far in my life. and i've seen His Faithfulness. i've seen His Resolution. in my life. now.

i used to treat the existential philosophy as the explanation for how the world looks without God and it is easy to understand within that context. it was eye opening for me as it is for anyone when they first explore philosophy. i wanted to experience emotionally how it feels for those without God so that i could relate, yet never forsake Him in the process. as an artist, i want to experience the very depths and as well as the heights of all human experience. it is the explorer in me. but somewhere in there, i began to see my own life through that lens and i've never been quite able to shake it. largely because the hopelessness of the reality that i see has taught me thus far that there is little, if any resolution. i've not seen very many happy endings.

christian circles further emphasize it by cheapening Him and our need for faith. we look at our lives and see so little resolution, stuck within habits and lifestyles that destroy our very souls but seem perfectly natural in culture (materialism, consumerism, tv, internet, etc) and accept it as our lot. this is what God has ordained for me on this side of Heaven. there can't possibly be more than this. so we ignore.

but this is where the artist in me has called me to something greater. despite what i see around me every day. despite the brokenness i have experienced firsthand. despite the mood of our entire culture. something within me craves that resolution, His Resolution. and that is the role of the artist in Creation. we bear witness to the ails of our culture and call it into question. we demand something more. postmodern art/philosophy/literature calls God into question, denying His Existence, demanding another solution. and while i have practically lived my life thus far with a belief in God and a relationship with Him, that has always hung over my head. because they are bearing witness to what they see. all they see is brokenness.

....so when i responded to his thoughts with well that's real life (with a tone implicating that what else do you expect), he astutely questioned: there's no resolution in life? (with a tone that said do you really believe that?)

in that question, it clicked. the existential mindset, while relevant for understanding those who choose to ignore God and all that He is working daily in this world, it is not the whole picture, something that my artistic soul has been longing to hear/understand/grasp for years.

there is resolution.

there are happy endings.

God is working.

a funny feeling has settled into my chest in the last few days.
or maybe it's been there for awhile. it's just becoming undeniable at this point.
it is something unsettling, uneasy, that makes me want to avoid being alone with myself. though i know that's really what i need to do.

it has something to do with the time of year. this was the first holiday with my family where we repeated activities in our new location. this was the first time i spent my new year's somewhere other than miracle camp in 5 years. it has something to do with recent beginnings. i'm beginning a job that could have no end if i choose that. ha. it's the first time in over a year that i have an itch to go somewhere, to travel.

i am beginning to feel the shift my life has taken. and how absolutely real it is. and i am not the same. and i can't go back. i have reached the point of no return. i, in actuality, crossed it months ago when i began to seriously consider jobs in new jersey with that initial visit to new city kids. when i parked that car, after dealing with the flat tire, on that street in jersey city and walked in those doors, i began a process that i had no idea of the implications.

and now i am here. with a job that suits me very well for the time being in a town that is beyond my wildest dreams. i have more to do, more people to love than i could ever dream of. i could not picture a better fit for my life right now. but in that, i also sense the door closing behind me. a choice has been made and with that comes the knowledge of all the other options that can no longer be chosen. i can't go back to the way i lived life before. the midwest will never be the same for me. my home is truly there no longer. there needs to be some mourning with that.

my life here feels so completely surreal. i am experiencing culture shock again, but this time, in the best way possible. though i do expect it to collapse at any moment. maybe that's what this thing is in my chest-fear. having fully committed to something, thereby eliminating a great deal of other options, i fear what i'm committing to will fall through. it is my fear of being trapped with nowhere to go.

i have emotional claustrophobia.

dear God,

i would really like a job--

soon.

thanks,

Adel

i had a moment this weekend, driving,

somewhere between new brunswick and newark

on the garden state parkway

a memory slowly creeping into my mind,

a Truth long buried.

the fear and anxiety that lie latent in my chest

always appear most readily when i am in modes of transportation, particularly driving. the last 2 years have brought out a constant throat closing, chest burning, nauseating anxiety whenever i put myself in a moving vehicle, even when i'm the one behind the wheel. i always talk myself through it, but its exhausting, especially when i go somewhere new. i never let it stop me because that's me. i fight through it/against it. until this last weekend.

a trip to nyc was planned and i wanted to go. but when i found out we were driving in, i kinda felt like crying. i just didn't want to deal with it anymore. last week i decided that i was going to practice doing what i wanted to do, following my gut and listening to my heart, not my head. it started with that drive to the hudson. i hadn't driven on impulse since high school. it continued with a 2 hr hike mid-week and concluded with the Truth long buried.

i used to love driving.

the peace that pervaded following that thought was unbelievable and carried me through the rest of the day. i used to love driving. it wasn't a guilty accusation towards my anxiety-ridden self or a this desire is long lost. no, it was Truth, spoken to my heart to grant freedom. a reminder of who i am. a call, a deep awakening of who God has created me to be, spoken in a whisper to a child long lost, trying to find her way home. i've always known that the anxiety i have felt in travelling, especially driving has been connected deeply to my spiritual walk, an assault on the very fabric of my being. a suffering i've never been able to pinpoint.

but something happened on that parkway.

a Whisper that not only set me free of my fear of something simple that i used to love, but with it, told me i was Home. Home in Him. and there's nowhere else in the world i would rather be. it's been way too long.

i had a revelation yesterday.

well i've had several revelations in the last few days but only one of which i'll address at this time. with not much to do in regards to [real] life work, i've had more time to do some soul work. and that means i crashed b.c i haven't done much soul work since august.

all sense of purpose came to a screeching halt sunday evening as i listened to friends who have become very dear to me in a very short period of time talk of grand life plans and moving to far away places. normal talk pertaining to this stage in life. but myself still in the midst of great upheaval having actually followed through on what normal people only talk about wanted to put my hands over my ears and say la la la la like a 5 year old.

and then i did. in my own way.

i left. after they did. it would've made more of a statement if i would've actually left when they were talking about it but i never react that fast. i suffer from delayed emotion

and i drove. not a normal coping mechanism anymore in my life, though i did it a lot in high school, back when my parents paid for the gas and it was only a dollar a gallon.

i got as far as the Hudson. would've gone farther if it weren't for the darn $8 toll. i would've gone to the ocean if it weren't for the tolls to get there.

i sat. i stared. i contemplated running away.

but where to? i need my paris. yes, that's right, it's mine.

what has happened to me? where is the girl that loves new things and adventure, dreaming the impossible? oh that's right i've let people mean something to me.

and it scares the shit out of me.

how did i get here? i didn't make sense of all of this until yesterday.

yesterday i had an intense and wonderfully thought provoking conversation with my agnostic housemate. funny how her thought process isn't much different than mine. we've had some similar life experiences, particularly difficult relationships. the intellectual, spiritual, and creative aside, boys are always a good thing to bond over. that and tea. in the very short time that she has known my story, she has served to validate the absolute unhealthiness of my experience in a way that only someone who has been there can. as i was walking through how i came to enter the relationship in the first place and my overall ineptness in the relationship category (not been very successful to date...) a picture came to mind, a vague realization. the words slipped out of my mouth as only happens when you talk through things and a connection (Holy Spirit) between the sub conscious and the conscious is made. 'if it hadn't been for david, i would've never really learned to connect with people'. that's what i said at the time.

but there's more to it than that. the picture that still resides with me is a concept i've been wrestling with all year. it's something i experienced at the time with david (and guys in general) and that i re-experienced earlier this year on a much smaller scale. that God does let us have our way with ourselves but if we are sealed in His Spirit, He will let us know that it is not His will. it's our choice whether we listen or not. its this sudden awareness that my life was on a steady downward slope until that moment i filled out the application for miracle camp my sophomore year of college. the worst hadn't happened yet. but it was the beginning of God saving me from myself. (nothing is hardly ever a single point in time in my life but always a process)

david was not an anomaly. david was the result of a pattern in my life, a rebellious pattern. a pattern set deep in my sinful nature, enforced by my parents, enforced by the majority of my life experiences. a willful pattern to choose what i desired, unhealthy relationships particularly centered on male affection and security, over God; a pattern of trusting no one, keeping everyone at arm's length. in order for God to change that pattern within me, He had to break me. i did not listen. I was in His Spirit but repeatedly i did not listen. i continued to 'save' people to feel needed. i continued to be tantalized by male attention, yet frustrated at its unfruitfulness. i knew it wasn't the answer but i told God i didn't care. i was addicted. if i had not reached the dark depths of that absolutely unhealthy relationship, i don't know that i would have ever been truly broken of my addiction. i drove myself there. it was only by His Grace that i was saved.

without brokenness there can be no new life.

i can see now that the years following that, though i have been frustrated by what seems to be a continuation of the same pattern, has really been God teaching me how to have real, deep, healthy relationships. though i had been broken of the old pattern, i did not yet have the tools to establish a new one. He has been stocking my tool kit well. and i am grateful.