somewhere between new brunswick and newark
on the garden state parkway
a memory slowly creeping into my mind,
a Truth long buried.
the fear and anxiety that lie latent in my chest
always appear most readily when i am in modes of transportation, particularly driving. the last 2 years have brought out a constant throat closing, chest burning, nauseating anxiety whenever i put myself in a moving vehicle, even when i'm the one behind the wheel. i always talk myself through it, but its exhausting, especially when i go somewhere new. i never let it stop me because that's me. i fight through it/against it. until this last weekend.
a trip to nyc was planned and i wanted to go. but when i found out we were driving in, i kinda felt like crying. i just didn't want to deal with it anymore. last week i decided that i was going to practice doing what i wanted to do, following my gut and listening to my heart, not my head. it started with that drive to the hudson. i hadn't driven on impulse since high school. it continued with a 2 hr hike mid-week and concluded with the Truth long buried.
i used to love driving.
the peace that pervaded following that thought was unbelievable and carried me through the rest of the day. i used to love driving. it wasn't a guilty accusation towards my anxiety-ridden self or a this desire is long lost. no, it was Truth, spoken to my heart to grant freedom. a reminder of who i am. a call, a deep awakening of who God has created me to be, spoken in a whisper to a child long lost, trying to find her way home. i've always known that the anxiety i have felt in travelling, especially driving has been connected deeply to my spiritual walk, an assault on the very fabric of my being. a suffering i've never been able to pinpoint.
but something happened on that parkway.
a Whisper that not only set me free of my fear of something simple that i used to love, but with it, told me i was Home. Home in Him. and there's nowhere else in the world i would rather be. it's been way too long.
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