i feel like i'm waiting for a boy to call . . .
though at least i am guaranteed a response (which is more than most boys will guarantee; wonder if it'd be possible to make that a requirement of the male part of our species. treat a date like an interview--you have to call me, if only to tell me you never want to see me again. but alas relationships are never that black and white)--
even if the news may not be what i want to hear.
though i wonder if i really want to hear it?

either way it'll be a lot to digest.
i'll either be back at square one, starting the job search all over or i'll be committing my life for the next 4-5 years in new jersey, a state i never intended to end up in. either way--it's kind of scary.
right now i'm just in limbo.
i think i should be freaking out about it more--
but i'm not.
maybe because in this case no news is good news.
because there's still hope. the longer they deliberate, the greater my chances. after all the other person has been around for quite awhile. if they really wanted him/her, they would've already made the decision. so there's still hope.

hope. what a concept i struggle with.
struggle is not even adequate. wrestle. fight. beat to a bloody pulp. kill.
yes. i kill hope. that is such a vivid and true way of describing my relationship with hope.
and yet it is incredibly persistent, like that weed in the garden that keeps coming back. the roots so deep that it would take an earthquake to uproot it. and even then, i wonder. i witness this persistence daily in the vulnerability of my students. growing up in a culture that seems to kill all hope, these children still desire, no, demand, hope. they do not give up. they refuse, despite everything life hands them. they are fighters and fighters for hope. they believe that life can only get better. they'd never articulate it that way but their faces and voices say it every day when they ask me for help with their homework or that problem with that boy or the conflict at home or the fight against loneliness and boredom. they have so much less than i did growing up. yet they are willing to hope so much more. i feel as if i'm learning in reverse. i grew up without hope; without belief in much of anything; with only this sense that life should be different than what i witnessesd, never really believing that it was possible.
thus the battle against hope. i've wanted to hope but i didn't believe that my life could mean anything; that i could have friends--lifelong friends, soul sisters, real community. i didn't believe that i could be anything more than a job; that i could have purpose in how i spend my days. i didn't believe that i would ever find a soulmate; that i would have a family of my own--a home where even strangers felt safe. i didn't believe that i could create.
but that hope--it kept growing back. something deeper than myself. not even the earthquakes of broken abusive relationships and change, knowledge, philosophy, and disbelief, could kill it. beyond my control. beyond my best efforts to drown out this hope. it survived. and now i work with children who, day in and day out, hope against all hope for love and safety and something better than what they have. they hope in a God they've never even heard of; a new creation they've never read about; a love that's only been perverted.
they put me to shame.
so i learn in reverse.
to hope.

Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.

thinking = worry

that is my form of worry. some people should think things through more thoroughly--plan better, etc. i--well i over-think in some desperate attempt to gain control over a situation. because it seems to me that if i think things through in enough different ways, i will cover all of the options and thus choose the best one when the choice comes. but in the end it doesn't matter how much i think through something or don't think through something. it never goes the way i planned. those choices i thought through--they don't even become choices! because i don't have any real control.

i am teetering on the brink right now, wrestling with the reality that my life is not my own. all the plans that i made are getting thrown out the window, replaced by an entirely new set, unless of course one of the many moving pieces should come crashing down. which, at this point in my life, i am humbly aware that that is very much a reality. because it has happened before and who is to say it couldn't happen again--tomorrow. how absolutely wrong everything could turn in a split second. or right. and i am shocked yet again by how fleeting it all is. my life is but a mist. stability is not something i can create. i can't really create anything. i am overwhelmed by how little control i have. and humbled. still working on being grateful.

i took today off. mostly because i've been pushing myself too hard. and the thought of entering that school made me want throw up. i spent all day alone doing the normal things that make me feel more at peace, refreshed, etc. sleeping; writing/praying; walking/yoga; sitting still.

but i don't really feel any better.

i still feel incredibly confused and befuddled and slightly depressed and frustrated and trapped.

oh and guilty.

and let's not forget, failure.
there's a reason i stay busy and surrounded by people, even if it all drains me too much and pushes me to the max. because when i am left alone, all too often the guilt creeps in. this time it's about americorps. after all i didn't go into work today and i really don't want to go tomorrow. i want to crawl into a hole. i'm not fulfilling the expectation i set for myself--basically work my ass off until november 19 so i can get all my hours in--the right way. instead of having to fudge. but i'm going to have to fudge. i failed. my expectations...not my boss's because she doesn't care, she knows i do the work. but for some reason my legalism has kicked in during this situation. my determination not to fail has resulted in burn out and exhaustion and well, failure. sigh.

and did i mention the dirty dishes piling up in the sink...

and the grant that i made very little progress on despite repeated efforts....

and the job interview i keep rehashing in my mind--over and over and over and over and over again...

and how i'm not looking for another job because i'm just too tired...

and well, you get the point.

this is where i say life sucks and be my emo self and mumble and grumble.

instead i'm willing myself to remember God's goodness. after all, i had TWO interviews last week for this job. and even if it doesn't come through, it definitely has defined my passions for me. God would not bring me this far in this process to let it be a complete dead end. He has something for me to learn from this, whichever way the cookie crumbles. there's the lesson: He always has something for me to learn, whether the situation comes out the way i want it to or not.

He does not lead me in futility--a lesson i continually forget.

and He always provides.

always.

Since I don't really know where this is going,

I'm just going to jump right in...

So I got a text message from my sister at 2.12 am saying that she has a boyfriend. which I knew was coming because I knew she's been hanging out with this guy since school started. and I'm happy for her. because she's never had one before and finally some guy followed through.

as long as I don't think about it too hard.

because how many times have I had some guy flake out on me? how many times have I flaked out on a guy? how many stinking times have I gotten it wrong?!? and as cori always does, I'm sure she'll get it right the first time.

I've been processing lately what it means to get it wrong. actually it's something I've been processing since the moment I thought of breaking up with David. and about every guy I've been interested in since then. because clearly up to this point, I've failed. I know it's not entirely all my fault--they do have to claim some responsibility. but I finally fully recognized that I knew I shouldn't have said yes to David. yes to marrying him. yes to dating him. yes to even taking him to prom. in my gut, the whole time I knew it was wrong. but I didn't listen. and that's true of every guy since then. because I want it. because I want it so stinking bad. I refuse to listen.

but...and this is a big but...

I've been learning.

1) I've been learning it's ok to admit you are wrong. Because let's face it, we're wrong by nature. We're not supposed to get it right. as a matter of fact, we CAN'T get it right.

And my God is big enough to take the wrong and make it right.

2) I've been learning that I can learn. And that means, one day, I will know. I don't care what all the pessimists say and the critics whine, I will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the man I marry is the man I'm supposed to marry. Because I've gotten it wrong so many times. I will know.

3) I have only begun to grasp on a whole new level how tainted my desires are--and how fleeting. and how awesome God's desires for me are instead. I've always felt it, sensed it, in the back of my soul.

but only since admitting how wrong I truly was about David and accepted that responsibility, have I been granted the freedom to admit how absolutely right and beautiful God is. as long as we hold onto that one shred of our dignity, we deprive God of his absolute glory because we're still clinging to the hope that we ourselves can get it right. which is a lie. we can't. we are sinful, in utter depravity. grace can only enter the picture once we've admitted we're wrong.

i spent today in the middle of nowhere--

and it couldn't have been spent any better.

my brain hurts

i don't think it can hold one more ounce of information....life detail...job opportunity....design instruction...event plan....emotional whatever.

i just called the after school program i am checking out this afternoon to verify the time i'm supposed to arrive. why? because i thought she said 3.45 pm but my brain started doing weird things on me. oofta.

too much people, just too much. but i am glad it is being used. far better that it be used to its fullest extent than lay wasted in idleness. this is, after all, rather familiar territory for me--one i am far more comfortable in than rested idleness. it would be about this time in the semester that i would feel about the same--like i just couldn't take anymore but no end in sight. it's at this point that my walls break down and cracks in the facade appear.

carefully constructed appearances go to the wayside.

tears burst forth at inappropriate times.

frustration actually shows.

bewilderedness leaks out in forgetfulness and sarcasm.

laughter bubbles when it shouldn't.

and people actually discover who I really am.

otherwise i'd say it is bad to reach this point--unhealthy, stressful, exhausted, blah blah. but if i never reached this point, no one would ever really know me. and i would think i was really in control of me..and my life. which is a lie. i'd rather be humbled. and reminded of His Truth.

i should be looking for jobs. i should be applying for jobs i've already found.
but it has been about a month. and i always hit a wall about now.
this being my now third job searching time in well less than 12 months, i am well acquainted with the one month hump. it is easy to maintain hope during those first 4 weeks when the world seems to bow at your feet, offering its seemingly endless fruits of the great American economy. possibilities abounded.
hope reigned.

and then there was nothing.
great
black
empty
silence.

God. where are You.
Your Silence creates a roar.
a roar that weakens me.
i know i said i would wait on You this time.
but i am weak and poor.
and my faith reflects such.
hopelessness threatens to drown me.
God. where are You.

my hands are bound.
my soul is weary.
my heart confused.
on You i wait.