i took today off. mostly because i've been pushing myself too hard. and the thought of entering that school made me want throw up. i spent all day alone doing the normal things that make me feel more at peace, refreshed, etc. sleeping; writing/praying; walking/yoga; sitting still.

but i don't really feel any better.

i still feel incredibly confused and befuddled and slightly depressed and frustrated and trapped.

oh and guilty.

and let's not forget, failure.
there's a reason i stay busy and surrounded by people, even if it all drains me too much and pushes me to the max. because when i am left alone, all too often the guilt creeps in. this time it's about americorps. after all i didn't go into work today and i really don't want to go tomorrow. i want to crawl into a hole. i'm not fulfilling the expectation i set for myself--basically work my ass off until november 19 so i can get all my hours in--the right way. instead of having to fudge. but i'm going to have to fudge. i failed. my expectations...not my boss's because she doesn't care, she knows i do the work. but for some reason my legalism has kicked in during this situation. my determination not to fail has resulted in burn out and exhaustion and well, failure. sigh.

and did i mention the dirty dishes piling up in the sink...

and the grant that i made very little progress on despite repeated efforts....

and the job interview i keep rehashing in my mind--over and over and over and over and over again...

and how i'm not looking for another job because i'm just too tired...

and well, you get the point.

this is where i say life sucks and be my emo self and mumble and grumble.

instead i'm willing myself to remember God's goodness. after all, i had TWO interviews last week for this job. and even if it doesn't come through, it definitely has defined my passions for me. God would not bring me this far in this process to let it be a complete dead end. He has something for me to learn from this, whichever way the cookie crumbles. there's the lesson: He always has something for me to learn, whether the situation comes out the way i want it to or not.

He does not lead me in futility--a lesson i continually forget.

and He always provides.

always.