thinking = worry

that is my form of worry. some people should think things through more thoroughly--plan better, etc. i--well i over-think in some desperate attempt to gain control over a situation. because it seems to me that if i think things through in enough different ways, i will cover all of the options and thus choose the best one when the choice comes. but in the end it doesn't matter how much i think through something or don't think through something. it never goes the way i planned. those choices i thought through--they don't even become choices! because i don't have any real control.

i am teetering on the brink right now, wrestling with the reality that my life is not my own. all the plans that i made are getting thrown out the window, replaced by an entirely new set, unless of course one of the many moving pieces should come crashing down. which, at this point in my life, i am humbly aware that that is very much a reality. because it has happened before and who is to say it couldn't happen again--tomorrow. how absolutely wrong everything could turn in a split second. or right. and i am shocked yet again by how fleeting it all is. my life is but a mist. stability is not something i can create. i can't really create anything. i am overwhelmed by how little control i have. and humbled. still working on being grateful.