Since I don't really know where this is going,

I'm just going to jump right in...

So I got a text message from my sister at 2.12 am saying that she has a boyfriend. which I knew was coming because I knew she's been hanging out with this guy since school started. and I'm happy for her. because she's never had one before and finally some guy followed through.

as long as I don't think about it too hard.

because how many times have I had some guy flake out on me? how many times have I flaked out on a guy? how many stinking times have I gotten it wrong?!? and as cori always does, I'm sure she'll get it right the first time.

I've been processing lately what it means to get it wrong. actually it's something I've been processing since the moment I thought of breaking up with David. and about every guy I've been interested in since then. because clearly up to this point, I've failed. I know it's not entirely all my fault--they do have to claim some responsibility. but I finally fully recognized that I knew I shouldn't have said yes to David. yes to marrying him. yes to dating him. yes to even taking him to prom. in my gut, the whole time I knew it was wrong. but I didn't listen. and that's true of every guy since then. because I want it. because I want it so stinking bad. I refuse to listen.

but...and this is a big but...

I've been learning.

1) I've been learning it's ok to admit you are wrong. Because let's face it, we're wrong by nature. We're not supposed to get it right. as a matter of fact, we CAN'T get it right.

And my God is big enough to take the wrong and make it right.

2) I've been learning that I can learn. And that means, one day, I will know. I don't care what all the pessimists say and the critics whine, I will know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that the man I marry is the man I'm supposed to marry. Because I've gotten it wrong so many times. I will know.

3) I have only begun to grasp on a whole new level how tainted my desires are--and how fleeting. and how awesome God's desires for me are instead. I've always felt it, sensed it, in the back of my soul.

but only since admitting how wrong I truly was about David and accepted that responsibility, have I been granted the freedom to admit how absolutely right and beautiful God is. as long as we hold onto that one shred of our dignity, we deprive God of his absolute glory because we're still clinging to the hope that we ourselves can get it right. which is a lie. we can't. we are sinful, in utter depravity. grace can only enter the picture once we've admitted we're wrong.