Whatever the costs.

I am sitting this lovely chilly morning in my new apartment with my first cup of OQ Coffee (check out www.oqcoffee.com) which is fantastic-no lie. I can't see outside very well and my world is full of artificial light but it is my own and that is what counts. In 6 months that may not matter as much but right now it does. I have two cuts on two different fingers-one from work and one from play; both from knives-and only one bandaid. I have food in my half fridge, a hot plate that cooks well enough, and a sink that I must stoop to use. Books and art line my dark wooden walls as colors clash and collide. A space heater whirs in the background. This is my life now. I have friends who are married, have steady full time jobs with benefits, kids on the way, and a house. But this is the life I have chosen.

I went with some friends into the city. Correction: I met some friends in the city. I arrived early by train so I could walk around the Lower East Side. As I exit the subway with a sigh of relief, noise hits me in the face. It absolutely fascinates me how much is crammed into so little space. The wind was fiercely blowing trash in mini tornados, only further emphasizing the absolute chaos. People are everywhere. This east coast life still feels very fresh and foreign to me, almost suffocating at times. Walking around taking in the coffee shops, thrift shops, record stores, antiques on the sidewalks, festivals in the street, I can't quite decide if I should feel safe here or not.

No one pays attention to me. It's not like Newark where everyone stares. No, people here are definitely too busy/overwhelmed/distracted to take the time to notice. This is seen the most in their eyes as they take your order for a cappucino or brush past you on the street. It comes from living day in and day out in close proximity with hundreds, possibly thousands of strangers.

And I can't help but feel very out of place. This is not who I am and this is not the kind of life I want to live. I have no interest in knowing/owning the next up and coming thing. I want to slow down my life, not speed it up. It unnerves me considerably that the Starbucks looks like a disaster area when I walk in. If Starbucks can't pull off their calm, collected environment that I have seen even in Shanghai here in the city that never sleeps, that's chaos.

So why am I drawn to this city that makes Chicago look picturesque and Paris a lovers dream? This dirty, filthy, downright ugly city. Yes, it is ugly. Please do not tell me that a city that leaves no space for anything, even air, is pretty. Yet I ache for it. I want to live there not to give into the culture but to fight it. To love people in their broken, chaotic lives.

As I am walking back with two friends to the subway to cross this seemingly God forsaken city by myself, that Nudge is there. And in that simple Nudge much is said. "Though you hate and love this place, you will be here soon enough. And while you will do simple things like bartend and serve coffee, you will change lives. And while this seems unconventional and the opposite direction that you want to take in life, this is where I am calling you. It will not be fun all the time. You will definitely not feel safe and comfortable much of the time. But I will be with you."

And with this I am struck with the absolute need to stop making sense of my life. Because it doesn't make sense. It never will. And the image that keeps coming to mind since that moment walking down the street is the very life of Jesus. When did He ever own a house? When did He ever settle down, get a steady job with full time benefits and a 401k? He lived fully in the chaos of the here and now with people. He didn't make sense, but He had purpose-to do His Father's will. His Father's will is to love people and that is what I will do. Whatever the costs.