jump in my car

Jump in my car.
See what my life looks like.
How fast I ride.
Take in the scenery.
Take a walk in my shoes for a mile or two.

It's simple-and yet so complicated.
It is simple so it must be complicated.

It is culture shock within 4 miles.
To the west lies luxury and safety.
To the east- a desert of desperation, anger, and fear.

The scenery is constantly changing.
From freshly mowed lawns to gutted projects.
From playgrounds in grass to concrete surrounded by chain link fences.
From subdued answers and polite exchanges to angry responses and shoving matches.

My internal universe has no choice but to absorb the constant change.
But nothing is more exhausting than constantly absorbing.
And it feels as if that is all I have been doing.
Absorbing.

Absorbing the ignorance--from both worlds.
Absorbing the unceasing drive for futile progress.
Absorbing the brokeness and rage that follows.

In the west it is hidden, carefully masked with platitudes and "good people".
In the east it rages out of control, daring anyone to challenge.

I am the witness of both.
I am an outsider and an insider.
I am a participant and a recipient.

I have no doubt of the absolute futility of both, though I myself get caught up in them daily.
Neither can I reconcile their mutual existences, within minutes of each other no less.
Finally, I become numb to avoid the overload of trying to reconcile myself being in both worlds.

My frustration, my inability to communicate, my aching heart
slowly eats away at my resolve to remain constant in character and personality between the two.
That anything is accomplished is beyond me.
Literally, anything within myself and those around me that is affected and changed for good cannot be of myself.
It is too complicated. It is out of my control. It must be within His.
That I am here at all must be of Him.
That I survive each day must be of Him.

We must not meant for this world.