I usually go through these seasons of wrestling with questions about my faith. My senior year it was the validity of faith, whether God is real and the Christian life is worth living. Last year in the fall it was a question of how predetermined my life is--do I really have control over my fate? And there have been many others in between. It's never that I truly answer the questions because they are unanswerable. Rather it is a matter of wrestling with them until I understand the different sides of the arguments and at least feel that God is still in the midst of them, even without answers. I just need to think about things.
The question that seems to be glaring me in the face, daring me to deny it, is the question of homosexuality. And then to take one step back from that, the question of how I portray myself as a Christian in this broken world. I am for the first time feeling the full weight of responsibility to be honest with these people, even if the term Christian carries so much crap with it. By the very nature of who I am as a person, I invite individuals to open up to me, to share themselves and their stories. Yet I hold myself back, primarily in the area of faith. I do not struggle with sharing the love of Christ through action. I can absorb all sorts of evil and malice done to me. But I feel as if I betray their trust when they find out in conversations down the road that I am a Christian. Something so vital to who I am, I don't share because I am afraid it will bring on preconceived notions that I would rather avoid instead of facing head on.
I am not strong enough. I wilt. I back away. I fear.
Because of the times I myself have been scarred by other Christians. Strong individuals who don't recognize the power of their words and judgments. Individuals who are themselves afraid and thus judge. And because I am so darn determined to be different, to be kept out of the box.
But I want to be honest. I want to not care how I am going to offend someone.
I just want to be.
me.
and that means Jesus.
but damn it what does that look like?!
But back to the homosexuality issue. I briefly looked up links on the internet before starting this post to start gathering info. That's what I do when I'm thinking about these things. I gather info from the world I see around me and any source I can find. It sickens me to see what Christians are writing on it-on both sides of the argument. But more than that, it sickens me that it is an argument. It sickens me that we can really justify the naturalness of same sex relations. No, it doesn't sicken me. It breaks me. That's what I can't shake. I used to be fascinated by the concept, wondering if I myself would ever head down that path being in the artistic world and a bitter female. It seemed like a viable option. But now I'm faced with the reality in several different facets on a daily basis. And it is this harsh reality that breaks me. It creates the same feeling of heartache and gut wrenching emptiness that I have when one of my children talks about their drug addicted father or absentee father or how their mom is too lazy to help them with homework or how they'll be beaten when they get home or when the boys fight--definitely when they fight. It makes me want to cry. And double over begging God to explain why we must live in a world that is so broken.
It breaks me.
God why?
Why must we live in a world that is so broken?
My heart is breaking for people who have no idea that life could be any different.
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