So this cafe job....I just have to rant about for a bit in order to allow God to change my thinking. In order to give my mind space to deal with its chaos in His way instead of my own. Because right now I am struggling with space. I want it but I can't find it. There is something about writing things down that creates space intrinsically within one's mind. There is permanence with words written that is not felt as strongly as words spoken. That is not to say that words spoken aren't just as powerful. But it requires more thought and effort to put things down on paper. And that gives me space.
My boss is difficult. She is a strong, intense individual that is constantly pushing and nagging. She knows what she wants and she's not afraid to get it. She has very high expectations for me and it is driving me crazy. I can't live up to the expectations she has for me. Ok no I can live up to them but she does not make me want to. She makes me want to either scream or cry. I have honestly tried my hardest to learn how to not take criticism personally so that I can better myself as a person because ultimately I want to become a better person. I want to become stronger. So I can take criticism. I'm artist. How can I become a better artist if I can't take criticism? I've been a leader often enough. I know that to be a good leader you have to be open to criticism. But nagging--I can't take nagging. I hate it. I despite it. It drives me insane. It wears me down. And it definitely doesn't make me want to do a better job. It doesn't empower me. It leaves me feeling drained and worthless. And that's how I feel when I work with her. Her work style does not create an environment that makes me want to get up and do something to make the place better. Instead it makes me want to crawl into a hole and wait until the storm has passed. And while as a newbie I know I'm getting more of it than the others, she does it to them too. She does it to everybody. There's never a positive word out of her mouth about our work. She likes to find out about our personal lives and she is positively engaged when asking those questions. But as of right now, I have no idea if she even still thinks I was worth the hire. I think she does, but from her words it sounds like I'm not. And the things critiqued are things I'm still learning about. So..
I should let it roll off my shoulders. I should ignore it. It speaks more of her personality than my own. But it's hard. And I have spent my entire life looking for verbal approval. Never did my parents say good job about my schoolwork or my grades. I just thought what I did was normal. It's why I still struggle with thinking I'm smart. I am. I realize it more and more because I see how other people take in information and realize I do it differently and more efficiently and retain it. But I don't think I'm smart because it was just expected. Being a hard worker--do you know how rare that is in today's society? Wow. Again something my parents never said good job for or anything. Basically with this cafe job I feel like a puppy dog just looking to have my ears scratched. And I hate that I feel that way. I hate that I need approval so desperately that it upsets me when she doesn't give it to me-this stranger who knows nothing about my character or my life or where I've been and what I've done. And ultimately I'm never going to get it. I can see that in how she treats the other employees. Praise is like a drop of water in the desert. Rare. I know from her talking to me that she thinks they are great, but do they know? They don't ever hear it from her. And when you know it's so incredibly elusive, it makes you question even trying. It makes you want to compromise your integrity in dealing with the situation. And it makes me want to scream I can't do it. I can't live up to all this expectation. I am sinful damn it. I am forgetful. I am busy. I am tired. I am incomplete. Please show me some grace.
Will someone please show me some grace?
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