If there is one thing at which I fail completely and absolutely, it is in the simple act of saying no. So utterly simple and yet so utterly paralyzing.
This past week I agreed to go ice skating on Friday afternoon with my coworkers, knowing full well that I had already set up a mentor time with two of my 4th graders to go ice skating Friday morning.
This past weekend I agreed to work Saturday morning from 9 am to 2 pm; then Saturday evening from 10 pm until 6 am; and then from Sunday evening from 10 pm to 6 am, again knowing full well that I would go to church Sunday morning at 10:30 am and that I had another meeting scheduled in Newark at 10 am on Monday.
Why can't I just say no?
This is a discussion I have had with myself many, many times. I am notorious for packing as much as possible into each and every day. In college I would juggle a more than full courseload with at least one job and several extracurriculars as well as a vibrant social life. A day would be chockful from 9 am until 9 pm and then require 3 hours of homework in the evening as well as late night socialization. And then the summers were a whole 'nother deal. A Miracle Camp summer is itself overload. The problem then was that I didn't want to say no to anything that came across my path. I loved it all!
But something changed in the last year or so. I left the environment where I wanted to say yes to everything. I found myself in an environment where the world was not my oyster. I didn't want to do everything that was asked of me. And then once I lived by myself, I didn't want to do everything that was asked of me socially. I discovered what I loved to do and that much of what made me do what I did in college was the people, not the activities. I also realized that the crowd I surrounded myself were my crowd for the very reason that they loved to do what I loved to do. Finding people those people took 4 years. I haven't been in a place for 4 years since.
So now I find myself actually encountering things that I don't want to do, totally do not want to do, like go ice skating with my coworkers that I honestly have nothing in common with. I still said yes because I knew it would be a good way for me to try to connect with these people. But then my boss called me and told me I would be working overnights which would honestly mean I'd never see the coworkers with whom I'd agreed to go ice skating except in passing at 6 am. And who is really coherent at 6 am? So why should I go? It just seemed like too much effort for so little relationship possibility. But I'm all about possibilities.
And then I agreed to work the overnight Sunday because I know I need the money and while I did have the meeting, I didn't have school so I could go home and sleep afterwards. But news flash: I don't like working at Dunkin Donuts and I have a very hard time doing something just for the money. It feels like it is eating at my soul. But I still said yes.
Well God took care of me. On Friday I went home after taking my 4th graders ice skating and prayed that they didn't call while I was sitting in traffic because I just didn't know if I had the heart to tell them I didn't have the energy to hang out with them. They never called.
Sunday night I am sitting on my laptop, whiddling away the time until I'm supposed to go in. I email my boss that I'm supposed to have this meeting with on Monday morning at 10 am to tell her I'm going to be a little late because well it's just not worth driving the 1/2 hr home to my bed if I can't sleep for a solid 3 hr. She emails me back promptly to tell me the meeting has been cancelled! So I still got to make the money I needed without sacrificing sleep.
Do you know how many times this has happened to me when I have earnestly and genuinely told people yes I'll be there; yes I'll do this or that; yes I'd love to help out and I just put too much into the day? More than I can count, let me tell you. And now it happened when I really didn't even want to do it. And I wonder why I have trouble saying no. God always saves me from myself.
I guess I am still learning.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
Thursday, February 11, 2010
You'd think that people would've had enough of silly love songs
I look around and I see it isn't so.
Laying in bed last night at 9:30 pm- yes you read that right, 9:30 pm-Dunkin Donuts is killing my lifestyle- well that and my cold, a momentary flash of revelation snuck upon me.
I'm not exactly sure what triggered it and when that is the case, the only one I can credit is God. I haven't had many of these moments lately. Whenever my life takes a great shift as it has in the last few months, it takes another few months for me to develop the space in my life in order to hear His voice in my everyday and to think. It takes all my concentration right now just to make it through the day sanely. Sometimes it worries me that I don't recognize Him very much right now. I fear I'm losing my faith bit by bit in the whirlwind of my busy routine that leaves no space to gather my thoughts and my soul. But each time I recognize that deep-seated fear, it drives me closer to Him. While I may not be processing much right now, I am being forced to draw near to Him out of sheer desperation. As much as I pride myself on being a very centered and grounded personality no matter the chaos that surrounds me, sometimes I need to recognize the absolute insanity that rules my life-everyone's lives-and acknowledge that I myself personally cannot keep me centered. And it is even good for me to feel the depth of that desperation to my absolute core to remember my own absolute need. What I am attempting to do with my life right now is no laughing matter. I am working two jobs and living with three girls. One job demands much of me emotionally-4th graders in difficult life situations- and the other demands much of me physically and socially-on my feet for at least 4 hours, trying to get along with people that I seem to have nothing in common with. I have lived in this area of the country for little more than two months. I am trying to develop a way of life in a place that resembles very little of where I most recently came from. And I'm still trying to figure out where the hell I'm going after this. It is difficult to feel grounded when your life is continually 'up in the air' (yes that's a reference to the movie). Some would say that my faith should be the grounding point- that if I have Jesus, everything should be alright. I shouldn't have this anxiety or the need for simple routines to make me feel sane- like a good cup of coffee. But the more I think about it, the more I realize its not that our faith numbs our pain or difficulty or even makes us transcend it. It's like the definition of courage-it's not really courage unless you're tackling a difficult task in spite of your fear, not because you lack fear. Real courage is doing something in the face of your fear. Real faith is leaning on Him in spite of your anxiety and the chaos of life, not because you lack anxiety and life is sane.
But that wasn't my original revelation...
My thought (revelation may be too strong of a word) goes back to my previous post-my struggle with belief in true love.
After all that I have dealt with so far in my life and all the treachery I have seen, this nagging thought persists: that this true love concept isn't completely bogus. Why?
Because I've read books that resounded genuinely with my soul.
Because I've stared at paintings for hours that have left me deeply yearning.
Because I've watched movies that made me say yes, I understand.
Because I've tasted heaven in a cup of coffee or a bit of chocolate.
Because I've stepped into worlds that made everything else disappear.
Because I've engaged in real, passionate discussions with many friends.
Because I've experienced comfort in the presence of another human being.
Therefore,
In true love, I long for one that resounds geniunely with my soul, leaves me deeply yearning, makes me say yes I understand, has the taste of heaven, makes everything else disappear, engages in real, passionate discussions, and brings me comfort. And if true love can't do that for me, then why would I ever choose it over books, paintings, movies, coffee, chocolate, traveling, friends, and basic human company? I have been given all the components to satisfy my desires by other people and things. But if true love does hold such promises, then to experience it, even just for one day, is worth more than gold. And to experience it for a lifetime is worth more than the world and all its promises.
Hence,
hope lingers.
Laying in bed last night at 9:30 pm- yes you read that right, 9:30 pm-Dunkin Donuts is killing my lifestyle- well that and my cold, a momentary flash of revelation snuck upon me.
I'm not exactly sure what triggered it and when that is the case, the only one I can credit is God. I haven't had many of these moments lately. Whenever my life takes a great shift as it has in the last few months, it takes another few months for me to develop the space in my life in order to hear His voice in my everyday and to think. It takes all my concentration right now just to make it through the day sanely. Sometimes it worries me that I don't recognize Him very much right now. I fear I'm losing my faith bit by bit in the whirlwind of my busy routine that leaves no space to gather my thoughts and my soul. But each time I recognize that deep-seated fear, it drives me closer to Him. While I may not be processing much right now, I am being forced to draw near to Him out of sheer desperation. As much as I pride myself on being a very centered and grounded personality no matter the chaos that surrounds me, sometimes I need to recognize the absolute insanity that rules my life-everyone's lives-and acknowledge that I myself personally cannot keep me centered. And it is even good for me to feel the depth of that desperation to my absolute core to remember my own absolute need. What I am attempting to do with my life right now is no laughing matter. I am working two jobs and living with three girls. One job demands much of me emotionally-4th graders in difficult life situations- and the other demands much of me physically and socially-on my feet for at least 4 hours, trying to get along with people that I seem to have nothing in common with. I have lived in this area of the country for little more than two months. I am trying to develop a way of life in a place that resembles very little of where I most recently came from. And I'm still trying to figure out where the hell I'm going after this. It is difficult to feel grounded when your life is continually 'up in the air' (yes that's a reference to the movie). Some would say that my faith should be the grounding point- that if I have Jesus, everything should be alright. I shouldn't have this anxiety or the need for simple routines to make me feel sane- like a good cup of coffee. But the more I think about it, the more I realize its not that our faith numbs our pain or difficulty or even makes us transcend it. It's like the definition of courage-it's not really courage unless you're tackling a difficult task in spite of your fear, not because you lack fear. Real courage is doing something in the face of your fear. Real faith is leaning on Him in spite of your anxiety and the chaos of life, not because you lack anxiety and life is sane.
But that wasn't my original revelation...
My thought (revelation may be too strong of a word) goes back to my previous post-my struggle with belief in true love.
After all that I have dealt with so far in my life and all the treachery I have seen, this nagging thought persists: that this true love concept isn't completely bogus. Why?
Because I've read books that resounded genuinely with my soul.
Because I've stared at paintings for hours that have left me deeply yearning.
Because I've watched movies that made me say yes, I understand.
Because I've tasted heaven in a cup of coffee or a bit of chocolate.
Because I've stepped into worlds that made everything else disappear.
Because I've engaged in real, passionate discussions with many friends.
Because I've experienced comfort in the presence of another human being.
Therefore,
In true love, I long for one that resounds geniunely with my soul, leaves me deeply yearning, makes me say yes I understand, has the taste of heaven, makes everything else disappear, engages in real, passionate discussions, and brings me comfort. And if true love can't do that for me, then why would I ever choose it over books, paintings, movies, coffee, chocolate, traveling, friends, and basic human company? I have been given all the components to satisfy my desires by other people and things. But if true love does hold such promises, then to experience it, even just for one day, is worth more than gold. And to experience it for a lifetime is worth more than the world and all its promises.
Hence,
hope lingers.
Tuesday, February 9, 2010
Some people want to fill this world with silly love songs
Come what may
I will love you
Until my dying day
No mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song
And I'll be there by your side
Throw it all away to be happy
Just for one day
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love
Some people want to fill this world with silly love songs
One of my campers sent me a facebook message today with the link to Elephant Love Song- a shared favorite. It's been a favorite of mine for quite some time-actually probably close to a decade. I think I saw Moulin Rouge for the first time my freshman year of high school. I may have only been 14. I'm now 24. Crazy that I can say I've loved something for a decade. The song and of course the movie, contain all sorts of ideals about love and what it can do for us. "Love lifts us up where we belong."- a perfect example. When I saw it in early high school, I fully believed in that kind of crazy romantic love, though I'd never witnessed it in real life.
Now I'm 24, a decade older. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge. The fight for life has been fought many times and I have the scars to prove it. They aren't visible to the normal human eye. It takes time and energy to see them-for a reason. God has done a lot of healing but they'll never go away completely. Lessons were learned that will not be easily untaught. All of this leaves me with a very keen sense of the everpresent question of true love and what that looks like. It is this constant nagging in the back of my mind that I can't ever shake. I've wrestled with a lot of serious, deep questions-the brokenness of humanity, the place of evil in my faith, who God is, does He really exist, can I really live my life for Someone I can't prove His existence, God's goodness, what is truth, can I really presume to impose my faith upon others, the direction of my life and passions and the list goes on and on. But this question of true love, well, it's never been brought to resolution or even a general acceptance that it may never be answered.
Now I'm not talking about true love in the sense of God's love. I believe God's love exists and I believe that the only way we can show real pure love to others is through Him and the power of His Spirit. I have wrestled that sucker to the ground and beaten it to death.
No, the true love I'm talking about is what we see blasted all over our culture from books to music to tv to movies to magazines. This enigma of perfection between two individuals where the stars align and two souls become one in a glorious display of affection and utter ecstasy that is all-encompassing and completely mind numbing. I have been preaching for years to my peers as well as girls I have mentored that no such thing exists in real life. Since high school and the one time I let my heart get away from me that resulted in falling for a guy that in reality had multiple relationships going on at one time, I have been the poster child for the realistic practical relationship. My girlfriends in high school idolized those chic flicks like The Notebook just as much as any other group of hormone crazed teenage girls. And I witnessed and rescued them countless times from unhealthy relationships. I've seen the carnage and I've been the carnage of this unrealistic expectation that we place upon romantic relationships to fulfill our every need. The pictures have never left my mind and definitely not my heart.
So much so that I agreed to marry a guy because I thought my expectations for a relationship where I was actually attracted to the guy could not be met. So much so that I agreed to marry a guy because well, loving someone is a choice and not a feeling and if you choose enough times to love someone because they love you, you'll start loving them. So much so that I was pressured and manipulated into a very unheatlhy 2 year relationship that lacked any resemblance of true love.
In the midst of the ending of that relationship, one guy snuck under my armor in a way I have had a hard time forgetting- in a way that actually made me believe in the kind of stuff that happens in movies. But I was a mess (what else could be expected after ending a complicated 2 year relationship) and that chance was lost.
Since then, I have flitted from guy to guy with this ideal of true love ever haunting, the lingering taste on the tip of my tongue. No one quite measures up to that experience, and I am left with the question will anyone ever? Will I ever give anyone else a chance?
Guys have come and gone.
Many have tried, but I have become quite adept at keeping them at arm's length. I have a sharp eye and an even keener heart for the male that is looking to get beyond my exterior. And it depends on their personality and character. I'll let them into my life if I'm not attracted to them. I'm not sure if its because of my engagment that I run away from any guy that I could seriously see myself with or because of the experience following my engagement. I am left with completely contradictory messages. First, I am scared of overcommitted guys-ones that want to jump into a relationship and pursue me relentlessly. Second, I am scared letting a guy in and then finding he isn't going to do anything about it-a pattern that has repeated itself in the last few years.
I'm sure much of it has to do with myself. I'm sure much of it has to do with my emotional state and how I don't let people in and how I'm afraid of committment and the list could go on forever.
But one guy looked past all that even when I was in the midst of a really messed up relationship and saw me for who I really am and liked me and got to me. And it haunts me. I've never forgotten it though the chance is long gone. It made me wonder if maybe just maybe some essence of the true love that we all crave does exist for me. And it definitely made me realize that there must be some truth amongst the media's massacre of true love.
As I'm sitting in a movie theater of teenage and college age girls, wiping tears from my own eyes as sniffles resound around me because John's love of his life has married another man, I can't help but think, "To hell with my life, is it so awful to want that kind of love? Is it so awful to want to feel that way even if I can only be with him for a month? To truly feel like your world revolves around this person, that no one else can make you happier, even if it is just for one day? To feel so deeply connected with a person. I want that even if I can't have it forever. I just want to feel it once."
I will love you
Until my dying day
No mountain too high
No river too wide
Sing out this song
And I'll be there by your side
Throw it all away to be happy
Just for one day
Love lifts us up where we belong
All you need is love
Some people want to fill this world with silly love songs
One of my campers sent me a facebook message today with the link to Elephant Love Song- a shared favorite. It's been a favorite of mine for quite some time-actually probably close to a decade. I think I saw Moulin Rouge for the first time my freshman year of high school. I may have only been 14. I'm now 24. Crazy that I can say I've loved something for a decade. The song and of course the movie, contain all sorts of ideals about love and what it can do for us. "Love lifts us up where we belong."- a perfect example. When I saw it in early high school, I fully believed in that kind of crazy romantic love, though I'd never witnessed it in real life.
Now I'm 24, a decade older. A lot of water has flowed under the bridge. The fight for life has been fought many times and I have the scars to prove it. They aren't visible to the normal human eye. It takes time and energy to see them-for a reason. God has done a lot of healing but they'll never go away completely. Lessons were learned that will not be easily untaught. All of this leaves me with a very keen sense of the everpresent question of true love and what that looks like. It is this constant nagging in the back of my mind that I can't ever shake. I've wrestled with a lot of serious, deep questions-the brokenness of humanity, the place of evil in my faith, who God is, does He really exist, can I really live my life for Someone I can't prove His existence, God's goodness, what is truth, can I really presume to impose my faith upon others, the direction of my life and passions and the list goes on and on. But this question of true love, well, it's never been brought to resolution or even a general acceptance that it may never be answered.
Now I'm not talking about true love in the sense of God's love. I believe God's love exists and I believe that the only way we can show real pure love to others is through Him and the power of His Spirit. I have wrestled that sucker to the ground and beaten it to death.
No, the true love I'm talking about is what we see blasted all over our culture from books to music to tv to movies to magazines. This enigma of perfection between two individuals where the stars align and two souls become one in a glorious display of affection and utter ecstasy that is all-encompassing and completely mind numbing. I have been preaching for years to my peers as well as girls I have mentored that no such thing exists in real life. Since high school and the one time I let my heart get away from me that resulted in falling for a guy that in reality had multiple relationships going on at one time, I have been the poster child for the realistic practical relationship. My girlfriends in high school idolized those chic flicks like The Notebook just as much as any other group of hormone crazed teenage girls. And I witnessed and rescued them countless times from unhealthy relationships. I've seen the carnage and I've been the carnage of this unrealistic expectation that we place upon romantic relationships to fulfill our every need. The pictures have never left my mind and definitely not my heart.
So much so that I agreed to marry a guy because I thought my expectations for a relationship where I was actually attracted to the guy could not be met. So much so that I agreed to marry a guy because well, loving someone is a choice and not a feeling and if you choose enough times to love someone because they love you, you'll start loving them. So much so that I was pressured and manipulated into a very unheatlhy 2 year relationship that lacked any resemblance of true love.
In the midst of the ending of that relationship, one guy snuck under my armor in a way I have had a hard time forgetting- in a way that actually made me believe in the kind of stuff that happens in movies. But I was a mess (what else could be expected after ending a complicated 2 year relationship) and that chance was lost.
Since then, I have flitted from guy to guy with this ideal of true love ever haunting, the lingering taste on the tip of my tongue. No one quite measures up to that experience, and I am left with the question will anyone ever? Will I ever give anyone else a chance?
Guys have come and gone.
Many have tried, but I have become quite adept at keeping them at arm's length. I have a sharp eye and an even keener heart for the male that is looking to get beyond my exterior. And it depends on their personality and character. I'll let them into my life if I'm not attracted to them. I'm not sure if its because of my engagment that I run away from any guy that I could seriously see myself with or because of the experience following my engagement. I am left with completely contradictory messages. First, I am scared of overcommitted guys-ones that want to jump into a relationship and pursue me relentlessly. Second, I am scared letting a guy in and then finding he isn't going to do anything about it-a pattern that has repeated itself in the last few years.
I'm sure much of it has to do with myself. I'm sure much of it has to do with my emotional state and how I don't let people in and how I'm afraid of committment and the list could go on forever.
But one guy looked past all that even when I was in the midst of a really messed up relationship and saw me for who I really am and liked me and got to me. And it haunts me. I've never forgotten it though the chance is long gone. It made me wonder if maybe just maybe some essence of the true love that we all crave does exist for me. And it definitely made me realize that there must be some truth amongst the media's massacre of true love.
As I'm sitting in a movie theater of teenage and college age girls, wiping tears from my own eyes as sniffles resound around me because John's love of his life has married another man, I can't help but think, "To hell with my life, is it so awful to want that kind of love? Is it so awful to want to feel that way even if I can only be with him for a month? To truly feel like your world revolves around this person, that no one else can make you happier, even if it is just for one day? To feel so deeply connected with a person. I want that even if I can't have it forever. I just want to feel it once."
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
for the world to see
my life...pictures of you, pictures of me, for whatever reason that is going through my head right now.
You know what? I go to work now every day and while I don't like getting up in the morning,[I just wish there were some way for me to get coffee right by my bed every morning so I could just start pumping the caffeine. I just hate getting out of bed!] I enjoy working with the kids and I enjoy using the gifts given to me to enter into their lives. I still don't like helping them with homework. I just have zeeeeroo patience for it. I need to learn to say things in different ways. I can't tell if they don't understand what I'm saying because I said it too fast or it was just too much information the first time through or if I should rephrase it. And sometimes I honestly get sick of trying to find different ways to rephrase it. JUST GET IT FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!! I have such a hard time understanding why they can't just get it because I get it. ok i do understand but it doesn't make it any easier to explain. And it brings back so many lovely memories of childhood--trying to make my classmates understand what i'm saying and just getting blank stares.
but i am starting to see glimpses of God in this culture-or maybe a better way to say it is I'm starting to catch glimpses of how God see this culture. or maybe both. anyways i see ways to love these people and i also see through the cracks in their armor. i see little bits of light shining through, bits of hope. its encouraging. i also see why God has me out here--for myself more than anything else. I mean I will love people and show God to them no matter where I go. I will work my butt off to do the best that I can for others, even if it means I'm miserable. But here is a job where yes I work hard and yes there are things I don't like about it like calling random places and planning things. I hate calling people, but all in all, I enjoy it. Like hey this could be a real job some day. Maybe not specifically in an after school tutoring program that is so academic focused...but something...ministry oriented.
in other news i am at a crossroads. one that only time will determine. it is a question of an ideal that i hold and the abandoning of that ideal, not because its not been useful, but more because it has served its time and needs to retire. its an ideal though that has served to protect me for quite some time and probably for good reason. and i fear losing this protection. i fear having to truly engage. i fear the possible pain and work and commitment. And i would rather hold out for this ideal, that doesn't really exist, as an excuse to keep myself from engaging in the real thing.
You know what? I go to work now every day and while I don't like getting up in the morning,[I just wish there were some way for me to get coffee right by my bed every morning so I could just start pumping the caffeine. I just hate getting out of bed!] I enjoy working with the kids and I enjoy using the gifts given to me to enter into their lives. I still don't like helping them with homework. I just have zeeeeroo patience for it. I need to learn to say things in different ways. I can't tell if they don't understand what I'm saying because I said it too fast or it was just too much information the first time through or if I should rephrase it. And sometimes I honestly get sick of trying to find different ways to rephrase it. JUST GET IT FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!! I have such a hard time understanding why they can't just get it because I get it. ok i do understand but it doesn't make it any easier to explain. And it brings back so many lovely memories of childhood--trying to make my classmates understand what i'm saying and just getting blank stares.
but i am starting to see glimpses of God in this culture-or maybe a better way to say it is I'm starting to catch glimpses of how God see this culture. or maybe both. anyways i see ways to love these people and i also see through the cracks in their armor. i see little bits of light shining through, bits of hope. its encouraging. i also see why God has me out here--for myself more than anything else. I mean I will love people and show God to them no matter where I go. I will work my butt off to do the best that I can for others, even if it means I'm miserable. But here is a job where yes I work hard and yes there are things I don't like about it like calling random places and planning things. I hate calling people, but all in all, I enjoy it. Like hey this could be a real job some day. Maybe not specifically in an after school tutoring program that is so academic focused...but something...ministry oriented.
in other news i am at a crossroads. one that only time will determine. it is a question of an ideal that i hold and the abandoning of that ideal, not because its not been useful, but more because it has served its time and needs to retire. its an ideal though that has served to protect me for quite some time and probably for good reason. and i fear losing this protection. i fear having to truly engage. i fear the possible pain and work and commitment. And i would rather hold out for this ideal, that doesn't really exist, as an excuse to keep myself from engaging in the real thing.
Monday, January 18, 2010
It's such a waste of time
Is it sad that the one thing I look forward to every night when I go to sleep is my cup of coffee in the morning? I mean it is coupled with my devotions but I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t get out of bed for my devotions like I’ll get out of bed for my coffee. But hey, whatever it takes.
It’s the simple things in life after all that make it livable.
Today for MLK Day, we took the kids ice skating (many of them their first time) and then to the Newark Museum where they had a bunch of activities centered around MLK Day. While the kids were still chaotic, it’s so much easier to relate to them outside of the school setting. It was definitely a good day.
I am beginning to really love them. I’m not just doing the right things because I know what the right things are to do, but because I care. I can fake caring about people so easily. Maybe fake isn’t the right word. But I can do the right things to make a person feel cared for even when my heart isn’t in it. I find myself doing them without even realizing it even while my heart and attitude are throwing fits. It is some of that Bonhoeffer thought process…that one cannot always expect the feelings to come before the action. Sometimes we must act in order to feel anything.
I wonder if that’s my problem with guys. I want to feel something fantastic before I act, but maybe its that I must trust someone first before I can really feel that something fantastic. Probably is true. But my trusting guys record isn’t exactly stellar. I tend to pick the ones that aren’t really trustworthy in the first place. Oh well I’m still waiting.
I think I may have made some friends this weekend--at least some connections where the people aren’t automatically suspicious of me. This church Erica and I have gone to now a few times has a large post college population which is good for my social life…aka the friends. But I miss the depth and experience of an older church. I appreciate having those older adults that I can see their faith alive after 25-30 yrs of marriage, after raising teenagers, after dealing with death and illness, after money and job loss. People who have lived life and survived because of their faith. I need that proof, that witness otherwise I feel like a crazy person. So I think I’ll stay here for awhile to establish the friends because well let’s face it I need friends. But I pray God provides some other ways for me to connect with the older generation for mentoring.
A bit of a rant--we had a house meeting yesterday afternoon--right as I started my nap. Now that’s not a good idea to interrupt my nap. I hate house meetings. I hate talking about money. I hate listening to people critique and criticize the little nit picky stuff. I hate it. To me if someone can sit down and recall every little detail of how the house was not kept clean, that means they are keeping way too close of tabs on things. AND that they are keeping score. I hate keeping score because once you start, it’s all you think about. And once I hear people talk about how they are keeping score on someone else, I begin to wonder how they are keeping score on me. And I hate that. Because I know I’m going to fail. I mean I’m a pretty neat person if it means respecting someone else’s space but I don’t keep track of how many times the bathroom floor was wet or the toilet seat was up or the counter wasn’t wiped off or that I took out the trash because if I did I would drive myself crazy. CRAZY. Once you start asking me to keep track, I become a perfectionist and I hate myself when I’m a perfectionist. I can’t breathe. Life doesn’t make any sense. And I waste my brain cells on retarded things that in the long run, don’t really matter.
So one of my roommates complained about the kitchen not being clean enough. Guess who cleans the kitchen quite often? Oh that’s right, Adel. Guess who just likes to keep it clean and doesn’t really care what everybody else does with it? Adel. Guess how many times Adel has seen any of her other housemates clean it? Uh none. BUT IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME.
My housemate asked me if I had any pet peeves or anything that was bothering me since she had listed such a loooong list and I said No. I’ve lived with a lot of messy people and I don’t really care. What I should have said was My biggest pet peeve is people who have lots of pet peeves. I say GET OVER IT. Life is a lot bigger than if the sink is perfectly clean all the time or the counter is always dry or if the couch has crumbs on it. Dear God please please PLEASE don’t let me marry someone who is ridiculously anal about the little things in life. They can be anal about money or their job but not about the little things. It’s such a waste of time.
It’s the simple things in life after all that make it livable.
Today for MLK Day, we took the kids ice skating (many of them their first time) and then to the Newark Museum where they had a bunch of activities centered around MLK Day. While the kids were still chaotic, it’s so much easier to relate to them outside of the school setting. It was definitely a good day.
I am beginning to really love them. I’m not just doing the right things because I know what the right things are to do, but because I care. I can fake caring about people so easily. Maybe fake isn’t the right word. But I can do the right things to make a person feel cared for even when my heart isn’t in it. I find myself doing them without even realizing it even while my heart and attitude are throwing fits. It is some of that Bonhoeffer thought process…that one cannot always expect the feelings to come before the action. Sometimes we must act in order to feel anything.
I wonder if that’s my problem with guys. I want to feel something fantastic before I act, but maybe its that I must trust someone first before I can really feel that something fantastic. Probably is true. But my trusting guys record isn’t exactly stellar. I tend to pick the ones that aren’t really trustworthy in the first place. Oh well I’m still waiting.
I think I may have made some friends this weekend--at least some connections where the people aren’t automatically suspicious of me. This church Erica and I have gone to now a few times has a large post college population which is good for my social life…aka the friends. But I miss the depth and experience of an older church. I appreciate having those older adults that I can see their faith alive after 25-30 yrs of marriage, after raising teenagers, after dealing with death and illness, after money and job loss. People who have lived life and survived because of their faith. I need that proof, that witness otherwise I feel like a crazy person. So I think I’ll stay here for awhile to establish the friends because well let’s face it I need friends. But I pray God provides some other ways for me to connect with the older generation for mentoring.
A bit of a rant--we had a house meeting yesterday afternoon--right as I started my nap. Now that’s not a good idea to interrupt my nap. I hate house meetings. I hate talking about money. I hate listening to people critique and criticize the little nit picky stuff. I hate it. To me if someone can sit down and recall every little detail of how the house was not kept clean, that means they are keeping way too close of tabs on things. AND that they are keeping score. I hate keeping score because once you start, it’s all you think about. And once I hear people talk about how they are keeping score on someone else, I begin to wonder how they are keeping score on me. And I hate that. Because I know I’m going to fail. I mean I’m a pretty neat person if it means respecting someone else’s space but I don’t keep track of how many times the bathroom floor was wet or the toilet seat was up or the counter wasn’t wiped off or that I took out the trash because if I did I would drive myself crazy. CRAZY. Once you start asking me to keep track, I become a perfectionist and I hate myself when I’m a perfectionist. I can’t breathe. Life doesn’t make any sense. And I waste my brain cells on retarded things that in the long run, don’t really matter.
So one of my roommates complained about the kitchen not being clean enough. Guess who cleans the kitchen quite often? Oh that’s right, Adel. Guess who just likes to keep it clean and doesn’t really care what everybody else does with it? Adel. Guess how many times Adel has seen any of her other housemates clean it? Uh none. BUT IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME.
My housemate asked me if I had any pet peeves or anything that was bothering me since she had listed such a loooong list and I said No. I’ve lived with a lot of messy people and I don’t really care. What I should have said was My biggest pet peeve is people who have lots of pet peeves. I say GET OVER IT. Life is a lot bigger than if the sink is perfectly clean all the time or the counter is always dry or if the couch has crumbs on it. Dear God please please PLEASE don’t let me marry someone who is ridiculously anal about the little things in life. They can be anal about money or their job but not about the little things. It’s such a waste of time.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
anything for a year...
You can do anything for a year right?
Being sick always gives one time to think. I hate that. I'd rather think on my own time, not be forced to think by feeling awful :(.
Sidenote: Being sick also saves money...as long as you don't have to go to the doctor and you're salaried. Think about it. You don't eat much. You can't drive anywhere. No food. No gas. Still get paid. Amazing. Can I get any weirder?
Going back to Michigan was wonderful. And that's just the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this homesick feeling again. I fell right back into things, like I'd never left. It was actually better in some ways b.c when people miss you then they treat you better when you come back :). And I appreciated them more having been away for awhile.
We always want what we can't have.
I hate missing out on things. I will say yes to ridiculous things just because I don't want to miss out. I've always wanted it all. I feel trapped easily by people and situations because I'm afraid it keeps me from doing it all. I was looking for a job this fall because I thought I was limiting myself by staying at camp. I want to see the world. I want to go places and live crazy places. I want to do things. And now I've done something and all I want to do is go back.
We always want what we can't have.
And I'm sure after six months I'll start to fall in love with it because I'm open like that to things. That's why I hate limiting myself because I know if I give it a shot, I'll find the good in it and make the most of the situation and learn a lot in the process. But I'm so weary of these homesick moments. Last year it was homesickness for something I didn't have anymore which was understandable even though it sucked. This year it's for something I did have and chose to walk away from. What's wrong with me!?
I wallow. That's what's wrong with me. I used to just get over things--forget about them. Move on. But now I've learned how to really care about things (a good lesson, mind you) but that means I have to learn how to deal with missing people and places. And then I ultimately have to decide if its enough to make me stick around or not. And people and places change. In 12 months, Miracle Camp will be an entirely different place. A new director, a new cook, another summer staff will have come through. The local junior highers I invested in will be in high school. The high schoolers will be going off to college. Would my place still be there? Or would I have to carve out a new one? Probably some of both.
I wonder how many times I'm going to do this to myself before I actually settle down. I wonder how much of it is what God wants to teach me and how much of it is my own selfish flippant nature fighting against what God intends for me. The only thing I pray is that I never become calloused. Even the tiniest bit of detachment in life scares me. I always want to be open, even if that means it hurts, like now. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I asked for.
Being sick always gives one time to think. I hate that. I'd rather think on my own time, not be forced to think by feeling awful :(.
Sidenote: Being sick also saves money...as long as you don't have to go to the doctor and you're salaried. Think about it. You don't eat much. You can't drive anywhere. No food. No gas. Still get paid. Amazing. Can I get any weirder?
Going back to Michigan was wonderful. And that's just the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this homesick feeling again. I fell right back into things, like I'd never left. It was actually better in some ways b.c when people miss you then they treat you better when you come back :). And I appreciated them more having been away for awhile.
We always want what we can't have.
I hate missing out on things. I will say yes to ridiculous things just because I don't want to miss out. I've always wanted it all. I feel trapped easily by people and situations because I'm afraid it keeps me from doing it all. I was looking for a job this fall because I thought I was limiting myself by staying at camp. I want to see the world. I want to go places and live crazy places. I want to do things. And now I've done something and all I want to do is go back.
We always want what we can't have.
And I'm sure after six months I'll start to fall in love with it because I'm open like that to things. That's why I hate limiting myself because I know if I give it a shot, I'll find the good in it and make the most of the situation and learn a lot in the process. But I'm so weary of these homesick moments. Last year it was homesickness for something I didn't have anymore which was understandable even though it sucked. This year it's for something I did have and chose to walk away from. What's wrong with me!?
I wallow. That's what's wrong with me. I used to just get over things--forget about them. Move on. But now I've learned how to really care about things (a good lesson, mind you) but that means I have to learn how to deal with missing people and places. And then I ultimately have to decide if its enough to make me stick around or not. And people and places change. In 12 months, Miracle Camp will be an entirely different place. A new director, a new cook, another summer staff will have come through. The local junior highers I invested in will be in high school. The high schoolers will be going off to college. Would my place still be there? Or would I have to carve out a new one? Probably some of both.
I wonder how many times I'm going to do this to myself before I actually settle down. I wonder how much of it is what God wants to teach me and how much of it is my own selfish flippant nature fighting against what God intends for me. The only thing I pray is that I never become calloused. Even the tiniest bit of detachment in life scares me. I always want to be open, even if that means it hurts, like now. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I asked for.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
My Life is Random :)
I've been searching on Craigslist for quite some time for a part time job in the New Jersey area. Today I found a restaurant looking to show art pieces and all I need to do is submit at most 3 jpegs. They are looking to hang a one man show of 15 to 20 pieces. Now of course I have no idea what the likelihood of them actually considering my work but please keep it in your thoughts and prayers. I already have a good idea of what I will submit and if I did get it, it would be an excellent deadline for me to crank out some work. Life continues to present little opportunities like these that I try to grab onto. I am selling a drawing to a connection out here in New Jersey for a T-shirt design and she wants me to paint designs actually on t-shirts too for her spring line. Currently I haven't made any money in 2 months but fingers crossed that I'll begin to see some fruits of my searching! Hope all is going well friends :)
that's the drawing my New Jersey connection wants to put on T-shirts...pretty sweet eh?
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