It's such a waste of time

Is it sad that the one thing I look forward to every night when I go to sleep is my cup of coffee in the morning? I mean it is coupled with my devotions but I’ll be honest, I wouldn’t get out of bed for my devotions like I’ll get out of bed for my coffee. But hey, whatever it takes.
It’s the simple things in life after all that make it livable.
Today for MLK Day, we took the kids ice skating (many of them their first time) and then to the Newark Museum where they had a bunch of activities centered around MLK Day. While the kids were still chaotic, it’s so much easier to relate to them outside of the school setting. It was definitely a good day.
I am beginning to really love them. I’m not just doing the right things because I know what the right things are to do, but because I care. I can fake caring about people so easily. Maybe fake isn’t the right word. But I can do the right things to make a person feel cared for even when my heart isn’t in it. I find myself doing them without even realizing it even while my heart and attitude are throwing fits. It is some of that Bonhoeffer thought process…that one cannot always expect the feelings to come before the action. Sometimes we must act in order to feel anything.
I wonder if that’s my problem with guys. I want to feel something fantastic before I act, but maybe its that I must trust someone first before I can really feel that something fantastic. Probably is true. But my trusting guys record isn’t exactly stellar. I tend to pick the ones that aren’t really trustworthy in the first place. Oh well I’m still waiting.
I think I may have made some friends this weekend--at least some connections where the people aren’t automatically suspicious of me. This church Erica and I have gone to now a few times has a large post college population which is good for my social life…aka the friends. But I miss the depth and experience of an older church. I appreciate having those older adults that I can see their faith alive after 25-30 yrs of marriage, after raising teenagers, after dealing with death and illness, after money and job loss. People who have lived life and survived because of their faith. I need that proof, that witness otherwise I feel like a crazy person. So I think I’ll stay here for awhile to establish the friends because well let’s face it I need friends. But I pray God provides some other ways for me to connect with the older generation for mentoring.
A bit of a rant--we had a house meeting yesterday afternoon--right as I started my nap. Now that’s not a good idea to interrupt my nap. I hate house meetings. I hate talking about money. I hate listening to people critique and criticize the little nit picky stuff. I hate it. To me if someone can sit down and recall every little detail of how the house was not kept clean, that means they are keeping way too close of tabs on things. AND that they are keeping score. I hate keeping score because once you start, it’s all you think about. And once I hear people talk about how they are keeping score on someone else, I begin to wonder how they are keeping score on me. And I hate that. Because I know I’m going to fail. I mean I’m a pretty neat person if it means respecting someone else’s space but I don’t keep track of how many times the bathroom floor was wet or the toilet seat was up or the counter wasn’t wiped off or that I took out the trash because if I did I would drive myself crazy. CRAZY. Once you start asking me to keep track, I become a perfectionist and I hate myself when I’m a perfectionist. I can’t breathe. Life doesn’t make any sense. And I waste my brain cells on retarded things that in the long run, don’t really matter.
So one of my roommates complained about the kitchen not being clean enough. Guess who cleans the kitchen quite often? Oh that’s right, Adel. Guess who just likes to keep it clean and doesn’t really care what everybody else does with it? Adel. Guess how many times Adel has seen any of her other housemates clean it? Uh none. BUT IT DOESN’T BOTHER ME.
My housemate asked me if I had any pet peeves or anything that was bothering me since she had listed such a loooong list and I said No. I’ve lived with a lot of messy people and I don’t really care. What I should have said was My biggest pet peeve is people who have lots of pet peeves. I say GET OVER IT. Life is a lot bigger than if the sink is perfectly clean all the time or the counter is always dry or if the couch has crumbs on it. Dear God please please PLEASE don’t let me marry someone who is ridiculously anal about the little things in life. They can be anal about money or their job but not about the little things. It’s such a waste of time.