anything for a year...

You can do anything for a year right?
Being sick always gives one time to think. I hate that. I'd rather think on my own time, not be forced to think by feeling awful :(.
Sidenote: Being sick also saves money...as long as you don't have to go to the doctor and you're salaried. Think about it. You don't eat much. You can't drive anywhere. No food. No gas. Still get paid. Amazing. Can I get any weirder?
Going back to Michigan was wonderful. And that's just the problem. Maybe I shouldn't have gone back. Then I wouldn't have to deal with this homesick feeling again. I fell right back into things, like I'd never left. It was actually better in some ways b.c when people miss you then they treat you better when you come back :). And I appreciated them more having been away for awhile.
We always want what we can't have.
I hate missing out on things. I will say yes to ridiculous things just because I don't want to miss out. I've always wanted it all. I feel trapped easily by people and situations because I'm afraid it keeps me from doing it all. I was looking for a job this fall because I thought I was limiting myself by staying at camp. I want to see the world. I want to go places and live crazy places. I want to do things. And now I've done something and all I want to do is go back.
We always want what we can't have.
And I'm sure after six months I'll start to fall in love with it because I'm open like that to things. That's why I hate limiting myself because I know if I give it a shot, I'll find the good in it and make the most of the situation and learn a lot in the process. But I'm so weary of these homesick moments. Last year it was homesickness for something I didn't have anymore which was understandable even though it sucked. This year it's for something I did have and chose to walk away from. What's wrong with me!?
I wallow. That's what's wrong with me. I used to just get over things--forget about them. Move on. But now I've learned how to really care about things (a good lesson, mind you) but that means I have to learn how to deal with missing people and places. And then I ultimately have to decide if its enough to make me stick around or not. And people and places change. In 12 months, Miracle Camp will be an entirely different place. A new director, a new cook, another summer staff will have come through. The local junior highers I invested in will be in high school. The high schoolers will be going off to college. Would my place still be there? Or would I have to carve out a new one? Probably some of both.
I wonder how many times I'm going to do this to myself before I actually settle down. I wonder how much of it is what God wants to teach me and how much of it is my own selfish flippant nature fighting against what God intends for me. The only thing I pray is that I never become calloused. Even the tiniest bit of detachment in life scares me. I always want to be open, even if that means it hurts, like now. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is what I asked for.