for the world to see

my life...pictures of you, pictures of me, for whatever reason that is going through my head right now.
You know what? I go to work now every day and while I don't like getting up in the morning,[I just wish there were some way for me to get coffee right by my bed every morning so I could just start pumping the caffeine. I just hate getting out of bed!] I enjoy working with the kids and I enjoy using the gifts given to me to enter into their lives. I still don't like helping them with homework. I just have zeeeeroo patience for it. I need to learn to say things in different ways. I can't tell if they don't understand what I'm saying because I said it too fast or it was just too much information the first time through or if I should rephrase it. And sometimes I honestly get sick of trying to find different ways to rephrase it. JUST GET IT FOR PETE'S SAKE!!!! I have such a hard time understanding why they can't just get it because I get it. ok i do understand but it doesn't make it any easier to explain. And it brings back so many lovely memories of childhood--trying to make my classmates understand what i'm saying and just getting blank stares.
but i am starting to see glimpses of God in this culture-or maybe a better way to say it is I'm starting to catch glimpses of how God see this culture. or maybe both. anyways i see ways to love these people and i also see through the cracks in their armor. i see little bits of light shining through, bits of hope. its encouraging. i also see why God has me out here--for myself more than anything else. I mean I will love people and show God to them no matter where I go. I will work my butt off to do the best that I can for others, even if it means I'm miserable. But here is a job where yes I work hard and yes there are things I don't like about it like calling random places and planning things. I hate calling people, but all in all, I enjoy it. Like hey this could be a real job some day. Maybe not specifically in an after school tutoring program that is so academic focused...but something...ministry oriented.
in other news i am at a crossroads. one that only time will determine. it is a question of an ideal that i hold and the abandoning of that ideal, not because its not been useful, but more because it has served its time and needs to retire. its an ideal though that has served to protect me for quite some time and probably for good reason. and i fear losing this protection. i fear having to truly engage. i fear the possible pain and work and commitment. And i would rather hold out for this ideal, that doesn't really exist, as an excuse to keep myself from engaging in the real thing.