I look around and I see it isn't so.
Laying in bed last night at 9:30 pm- yes you read that right, 9:30 pm-Dunkin Donuts is killing my lifestyle- well that and my cold, a momentary flash of revelation snuck upon me.
I'm not exactly sure what triggered it and when that is the case, the only one I can credit is God. I haven't had many of these moments lately. Whenever my life takes a great shift as it has in the last few months, it takes another few months for me to develop the space in my life in order to hear His voice in my everyday and to think. It takes all my concentration right now just to make it through the day sanely. Sometimes it worries me that I don't recognize Him very much right now. I fear I'm losing my faith bit by bit in the whirlwind of my busy routine that leaves no space to gather my thoughts and my soul. But each time I recognize that deep-seated fear, it drives me closer to Him. While I may not be processing much right now, I am being forced to draw near to Him out of sheer desperation. As much as I pride myself on being a very centered and grounded personality no matter the chaos that surrounds me, sometimes I need to recognize the absolute insanity that rules my life-everyone's lives-and acknowledge that I myself personally cannot keep me centered. And it is even good for me to feel the depth of that desperation to my absolute core to remember my own absolute need. What I am attempting to do with my life right now is no laughing matter. I am working two jobs and living with three girls. One job demands much of me emotionally-4th graders in difficult life situations- and the other demands much of me physically and socially-on my feet for at least 4 hours, trying to get along with people that I seem to have nothing in common with. I have lived in this area of the country for little more than two months. I am trying to develop a way of life in a place that resembles very little of where I most recently came from. And I'm still trying to figure out where the hell I'm going after this. It is difficult to feel grounded when your life is continually 'up in the air' (yes that's a reference to the movie). Some would say that my faith should be the grounding point- that if I have Jesus, everything should be alright. I shouldn't have this anxiety or the need for simple routines to make me feel sane- like a good cup of coffee. But the more I think about it, the more I realize its not that our faith numbs our pain or difficulty or even makes us transcend it. It's like the definition of courage-it's not really courage unless you're tackling a difficult task in spite of your fear, not because you lack fear. Real courage is doing something in the face of your fear. Real faith is leaning on Him in spite of your anxiety and the chaos of life, not because you lack anxiety and life is sane.
But that wasn't my original revelation...
My thought (revelation may be too strong of a word) goes back to my previous post-my struggle with belief in true love.
After all that I have dealt with so far in my life and all the treachery I have seen, this nagging thought persists: that this true love concept isn't completely bogus. Why?
Because I've read books that resounded genuinely with my soul.
Because I've stared at paintings for hours that have left me deeply yearning.
Because I've watched movies that made me say yes, I understand.
Because I've tasted heaven in a cup of coffee or a bit of chocolate.
Because I've stepped into worlds that made everything else disappear.
Because I've engaged in real, passionate discussions with many friends.
Because I've experienced comfort in the presence of another human being.
Therefore,
In true love, I long for one that resounds geniunely with my soul, leaves me deeply yearning, makes me say yes I understand, has the taste of heaven, makes everything else disappear, engages in real, passionate discussions, and brings me comfort. And if true love can't do that for me, then why would I ever choose it over books, paintings, movies, coffee, chocolate, traveling, friends, and basic human company? I have been given all the components to satisfy my desires by other people and things. But if true love does hold such promises, then to experience it, even just for one day, is worth more than gold. And to experience it for a lifetime is worth more than the world and all its promises.
Hence,
hope lingers.
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