Faith and Doubt

I've been reading through lectures of a friend's class at Mars Hill Graduate School. They always seem to hit right where I need them but never in the way I expect. In this particular lecture the professor connected betrayal to the paradigm of faith and doubt, weighing in his thoughts on the need for doubt in faith. The notion of betrayal is not one that I've overtly acknowledged because it is saying that a person hurt me which has a few consequences that I don't like to deal with. 1)somebody screwed up. I don't have a problem saying I screwed up; I have a problem acknowledging that somebody else screwed me. Why? 2)It means I don't have control over myself, my desires, my expectations, my emotions, my thoughts. Who hasn't been raised with some degree of you can't blame anybody but yourself for your problems? 3)The people that hurt us the most are the people that are closest to us. Saying that someone close to me has screwed me and I'm still going to allow them to remain close to me leaves me open to be hurt again. That does not logically follow for me. Why would you keep someone close who has the potential to hurt you again? I'd rather keep them close than acknowledge they have betrayed me or vice versa. Otherwise it would mean recognizing that we are vulnerable. 4)Acknowledging betrayal on a daily basis means acknowledging on a very basic level that others are screwed up, that they are not fundamentally whole. And while I have known this cerebrally for a very long time, I still struggle to recognize it on a daily basis because I see the potential of good in most everyone. It is both a blessing and a curse.

But if I choose to recognize that I am on a daily basis betrayed and betraying, it then validates this paradigm of faith and doubt in my life, the Christian life in general. Because while many times there is one or two very huge stories of betrayal and betraying in our lives, even those huge betrayals are made up of daily betrayals, the little things. A broken relationship with a parent may sometimes result from one or two huge events but more often than not, it is the daily comments or things not being said, the little slights and misunderstandings that build over time. The same is true of friendships. In refusing to acknowledge these broken promises and unfulfilled desires, we are left with this overwhelming sense of mistrust and doubt of people, but we don't know how we got there.

So take that a step back to the bigger picture and apply that to faith. It makes wrestling with doubt in conjunction with faith much more tangible. As Christians we are asked to trust a God who makes promises that He then takes sometimes hundreds of years to fulfill or even seems to directly contradict. This is the God that promised Abraham that he would have descendants that were like grains of sand in plenty yet Abraham didn't have his only child until he was well over 100 and only two grandsons to follow. This is the God that told David he would be king as a young teenage boy, made him a great warrior, became hated by the king and chased around the desert for years, face to face with death numerous times before he actually became king. This is the God that told Hosea to marry a prostitute even though she would abandon him several times to return to her previous life of sin-to demonstrate His Love for His people. This is the God that promised to protect Jeremiah throughout his prophecy yet the man was brutalized. This is the God that His own Son cried out My God why have You forsaken Me? Would this not leave you with a feeling of betrayal and therefore a lack of trust and resounding doubt?

On a more personal level, we are also asked to trust a God whom we cannot see, who promises to give us the desires of our heart and yet we are often unfulfilled in this broken world, who asks us to leave the comfort of our wordly lives to serve Him, who does not promise to bring peace but a sword, yet also promises to open the door for us if we seek and knock and ask. Again, would this not leave you with a feeling of betrayal and therefore a lack of trust and resounding doubt?

But instead of acknowledging this because it seems to be an assault on God's character, we ignore it with a dogmatic faith that demands we ignore the issues and our feelings about them. However if real acknowledgement of the feelings of betrayal and doubt is allowed, it also opens opportunities for a deeper faith. Hence the ebb and flow, the necessity of doubt and faith.

Example (the root of all of this thought process)
As I made the choice to walk away from an unhealthy engagement which I entered because I did not think that I could handle/deserve being in love in a relationship, God set an example before me of how I should feel about someone before marrying them and promised to bring that into my life when I was ready and he was ready. Someone who would not belittle or manipulate me, someone who would truly lead me and challenge me in my relationship with God but also learn from me, someone I could trust implicitly and therefore someone I would love and allow to love me, and finally, a chance to experience falling in love. I have loved many people through the love of God but I have never fallen in love. And while it's hard to admit, falling in love is something I want desperately. Why is hard to admit? Because it is a desire that has gone unfulfilled in my life thus far and it is such a strong desire that I continually struggle with God to take away or fulfill it in His own right, and yet it still remains. This one unfulfilled desire creates more feelings of betrayal and doubt in my relationship with God than any other desire or dream I have for my life because all the other dreams and desires I trust that He will take care of them. I trust His promises to use me in ministry, to change people and to help them-I've seen it happen already. I trust His promises to use my creativity and fulfill my desires to produce real artwork-He has given me the gift. I trust that He will always give me a home and people to love and a community to be a part of, even though I lack a consistent one right now. I trust that He will give me many opportunities to do interesting and wonderful things. I trust Him in all of these things because while they may not be desires that are fulfilled right now, they have been fulfilled at one point in time. They do not mock me with their unfulfillment. I know they are all possible and good things. But falling in love-that is where I have been betrayed, not only by myself and by others but by Him. My unfulfilled desire mocks me, creating doubt which demands that I kill it in order to save myself the mockery. Hence what I have been trying to do for the last 3 years and what creates faith in amongst all of this doubt and betrayal? The very fact that I cannot kill the desire. Hope springs eternal.

Therefore I can conclude only one thing. While the inability of the mockery of doubt to kill my desire for love tortures me, it ultimately creates faith that cannot be shaken. I have to trust He will fulfill His promise for what else am I to do with it?

To whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life.