ever looked through ALL the pictures in which you're tagged on facebook?

I just did.

well ok not all of them, but a lot of them, definitely most of them.

wow.

yes i know i have nothing better to do at work and i'm avoiding my reading.

the thing that struck me-

the people.

so many people.

many who have meant so much to me.

holy shit. the people.

i just can't get over it. so many people who have come and gone, sharing snippets of my time, my person, my life. each one bringing a slightly different Adel to the surface. do you know how many adels there are in the world because of all the people who have been in my life? i cannot deny that each person that has crossed my path has influenced me...in both good and bad ways. who i am is because of who they are/were--to me, around me, for me, because of me. i carry a little bit of them with me every where i go and they a little bit of me. some parts are bigger. some parts smaller. but they're always there--with me. and i have lost a bit of me in each of them.

i have gained and lost.

there is a bittersweetness in the knowledge that a part of me will never exist again. i will never be college adel again, not fully not completely. the things i've lost and gained since then do not make it possible. there is no going back. there is only moving forward. the feeling of not being able to return grows stronger with each passing year. the vastness of the unknowns before me weigh heavy upon my shoulders. responsibility broadens. innocence slips away. freedom seems to be a distant mirage.

but there is life. without safety there is adventure; there are possibilities; there is great gain. there will be reward. maybe not here, maybe not now. but to say that i led a life well lived, lived to the full. to say that i made the most of every opportunity, that i did not settle for anything less than His best. to say that fear did not triumph, that guilt did not paralyze, that regret did rule my life--that is victory. that is purpose. that is great gain.