Psalm 139
English Standard Version (ESV)
Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
6  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.
7  Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8  If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
     If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
12  even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15  My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18  If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21  Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
     Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

This psalm is incredibly familiar to us, as my coworker stated when giving the devotion. And it is often these that we breeze over with pure intellectual assent.Today however as I listened to my coworker bring out the nuance of the Hebrew (the Hebrew word translated as hem here is used in other places meaning to seige as in battle), the Spirit brought out a comfort for my heart as well as my intellect that echoed throughout our conversation the other week.

I desire to be known. It is something that has destroyed me many, many times. I have met with utter failure, disgrace, shame, and bitterness in my efforts to be known by family, friends, classmates, teachers, directors, bosses, coworkers, did i say friends?, and dare i not forget, boyfriends. And oh yes let's not forget the means by which I often try to make myself known, my art, music, creativity, activities, intellect, advice, presence, participation, listening ear, wisdom, and the list goes on...and on...and on. It drives the way I listen to others, how I treat children, why I take the time, why I give seemingly endlessly to others' efforts. I am passionate about making people know that they are known. Because we all desire to be known.

Today, though, God answered a prayer for me. He spoke a healing word to my heart. He took care of me.

He knows my desire to be known. And He created me with that desire so that I would know Him better.
He made me this way.
He knows the perpetual ache of my heart to be known, even by myself. He knows the frustration I often feel and how it manifests itself in so many ridiculous ways.He gets the drive that keeps me looking for jobs, for the next location, for the better way to be a friend, for the next outlet for creativity.
He gets it because He put it there. Because He loves me!

Thank God my family did not notice me growing up.
Thank God my parents did not understand me as a teenager.
Thank God my teachers' praise never fully satisfied.
Thank God my brains are never enough.
Thank God my creativity leaves me restless.
Thank God my friends drive me crazy sometimes.
Thank God a man has not come into my life.
Thank God I have no children by which to fill my life.
Thank God my job drains me of life.
Thank God I am often overlooked.
Thank God I am often unappreciated, used, abused, taken for granted.
Thank God my hard work will always leave me wanting.
Thank God my life is just a shadow of what is to come.
Thank God that I am never fully known. here. now. by anyone. or through anything.

Otherwise, I would not search. I would not pine. I would not press to find my worth in You.
Thank God that You, and only You have made me known.

No one knew my name.
No one cared.
Only God saw my face.
Only God dared.

Light bounces, sparkling from place to place.
Empty eyes are filled with grace.
Sorrow empties, allowing space
for the Spirit to be embraced.

We grow like weeds
in empty space.

We are wonders upon wonders.
We are all real human beings.
Why must we put on such faces?
A deeper Reality whispers. Truth beckons.
Freedom has a tantalizing taste.
Yet we hide behind the fake-
what others want us to say-
instead of asking God to break in and save us.

broken shattered glass
impervious to nothing
opening the window to my soul
sharp edges slice unintentionally
leaving the innocent wounded
frustration flows
individuals cry out
injustice is wrought day in and day out
my name is noble
yet i feel none of these
i am made whole
yet i lack all of these
who can rescue? who can save?
only One with Grace.

i've got completion lust
for a girl who used to be able to procrastinate with the best of them,
i've got this hankering to barrel through everything in my path.
it's a control thing.
i'm aware.

not quite sure where to put all of this energy.
a lack of direction makes it hard to remember what it is all about.
satisfaction comes in completing little tasks.
efficiency is a drug.
one i'm quite addicted to.

it robs me of my joy in serving,
bursting out in the oddest of circumstances.
it's a shield.
protects me from dealing with the larger dissatisfaction.
or maybe that's a hiding place.

i feel like i'm encountering the same things and thereby, in danger of feeling the same things.
and so in hopes of not feeling the same things because i'm tired of this stage/cycle, i just avoid.

not the people or the situations--just the feelings.
after all, how many times can a person get frustrated and feel hollow inside because of their lack of direction?
i really attempt to avoid it at all costs, trust me. i hate feeling this way as much as you hate listening to it.
i try to abide in Christ and trust His plan. and so often, my emotions stay in line.
but right here, right now it doesn't do anything for the frustration that seethes beneath the surface.
i don't trust. plain and simple.
it's not that my life sucks. it's actually quite alright.
which is why this hollow feeling inside my chest just doesn't quite make sense.
and bothers me so much.
i have a stable, pretty enjoyable living situation.
i have many good friends.
i have a stable albeit directionless job.
my finances are in good standing.
my health is good, i'm even taking time to get in shape.
i have many art projects and ideas started.

yet this frustration from somewhere is boiling over.
and here i am puzzled, trying to understand what i lack.
there's something God is asking of me. i don't know what it is.
and i'm too afraid to ask.

something deep, that will take much time to uncover.
the task seems never ending and insurmountable.
i spend an hour or two and feel like i've not even begun.
i tire easily and distract myself.
give me strength to rest.

hit by a truck
on the ground
pumping blood to nowhere

hanging on the edge
coiled like a spring
running in circles

death slowly creeps
lurking unbelief
hollow exhaustion

two steps ahead
not even--
fog.

hints of light
outlines of things to come
the taste nearly on lips

still out of reach

space between hemispheres
of the brain
reprieve from the ever-demanding present

nowhere
and yet somewhere.
how can one go there if it doesn't exist?

and yet it is the space between
the present and the past and the future
the thoughts of myself and others
demands and desires--
where none of them exist.

where my own plans don't conflict
with the plans of others.
where my thoughts don't fight to be heard
over others.
where my heart doesn't struggle to feel right
--or wrong.

where one can just be.

where answers don't matter
and questions can always be asked.

sometimes the pleasure is in the asking--
not the answer.

how i love to ask questions.
to let my mind wander
without being hemmed in.
answers trap, confine, choke.

a time and a place
but not here, not now.
just need some space.