Psalm 139
English Standard Version (ESV)
Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
6  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.
7  Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8  If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
     If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
12  even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15  My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18  If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21  Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
     Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

This psalm is incredibly familiar to us, as my coworker stated when giving the devotion. And it is often these that we breeze over with pure intellectual assent.Today however as I listened to my coworker bring out the nuance of the Hebrew (the Hebrew word translated as hem here is used in other places meaning to seige as in battle), the Spirit brought out a comfort for my heart as well as my intellect that echoed throughout our conversation the other week.

I desire to be known. It is something that has destroyed me many, many times. I have met with utter failure, disgrace, shame, and bitterness in my efforts to be known by family, friends, classmates, teachers, directors, bosses, coworkers, did i say friends?, and dare i not forget, boyfriends. And oh yes let's not forget the means by which I often try to make myself known, my art, music, creativity, activities, intellect, advice, presence, participation, listening ear, wisdom, and the list goes on...and on...and on. It drives the way I listen to others, how I treat children, why I take the time, why I give seemingly endlessly to others' efforts. I am passionate about making people know that they are known. Because we all desire to be known.

Today, though, God answered a prayer for me. He spoke a healing word to my heart. He took care of me.

He knows my desire to be known. And He created me with that desire so that I would know Him better.
He made me this way.
He knows the perpetual ache of my heart to be known, even by myself. He knows the frustration I often feel and how it manifests itself in so many ridiculous ways.He gets the drive that keeps me looking for jobs, for the next location, for the better way to be a friend, for the next outlet for creativity.
He gets it because He put it there. Because He loves me!

Thank God my family did not notice me growing up.
Thank God my parents did not understand me as a teenager.
Thank God my teachers' praise never fully satisfied.
Thank God my brains are never enough.
Thank God my creativity leaves me restless.
Thank God my friends drive me crazy sometimes.
Thank God a man has not come into my life.
Thank God I have no children by which to fill my life.
Thank God my job drains me of life.
Thank God I am often overlooked.
Thank God I am often unappreciated, used, abused, taken for granted.
Thank God my hard work will always leave me wanting.
Thank God my life is just a shadow of what is to come.
Thank God that I am never fully known. here. now. by anyone. or through anything.

Otherwise, I would not search. I would not pine. I would not press to find my worth in You.
Thank God that You, and only You have made me known.