it's hard to hide
the mind's eye
the heart's desire

empty, searching
dwelling in the space between
sometimes things just need to be

what they are
without explanation
sometimes the heart needs to rest

in the imperfection
the messiness of life
feel the full weight of the present

hidden under the clothes
of the past and future
hopes, dreams, fears, nightmares

behind laughter ends
raw emotion begins
escape to silence

the unknown glaring
gaping an empty quarry
water wearing away

dissolving resolve.

hittin'
bumpin'
bruisin'
up against a brick wall

ping pong
back and forth
from one ego to the next
tossed to and fro

weary
from all the talk
the endless need to fill the space
the pressure to conform
to change

do my words require an answer?
why is there always an answer?
as i share
my thoughts hit that wall called ego

i'm not asking for defenses
i'm not asking for reasons
my words are not meant to indict
they're just my thoughts
take them or leave them
but stop fighting them
it's wearing me out

i stop sharing
when i have to fight to be heard
when i hit a brick wall
only a fool would keep trying

i'm so tired.
and i'm tired of being tired.

i feel like i've been punishing myself.
punishing myself for being young.
for being single.
creative.
smart.

i think i've been working against myself for the last few years.
maybe my whole life.
making choices that show how responsible i am.
taking actions that groom my maturity.
doing things to prove i'm worthwhile.
and you know i wanted God to work all that proving, working stuff out of me.
and yet here i am.
still proving myself.
still trying to shout hey look at me i'm worth something...aren't i? i need you to tell me that.
and i am so tired.
beyond tired.
beyond exhaustion.
sleep does not fulfill.
a day on the beach won't be enough.
a week of vacation just stems the tide of exhaustion.

God, how do I stop it?
how do I just be?
be who You want me to be--nothing more, nothing less.
i've wasted so much energy either hiding who i am or trying to be more than i am--but mostly hiding.
i'm such a wimp.
there's nothing more to say.
i've cowered for so long, i wonder if i remember how to stand up straight.
i've ignored my desires in an attempt to be noble.
noble my ass.
i'm stubborn like an ass though that's for sure.
God rid all self-deprecation in heart, word, and deed.
may i be only who You have created me to be.
amen.

i just had a wonderful conversation with a dear dear friend.
it's funny how in sharing things and listening, one ends up confronting oneself. you'd think by now, i'd know this and be used to it. and yet i continued to be surprised.

she was sharing how she sees certain parts of her past as something that doesn't need to be addressed or talked about, believing the lie that they are invalid. and then by the end of our conversation, i was left haunted by something that i considered a blip in my recent past. sigh. and so the processing starts again.

it's a gift, to be able to tell and retell our stories. it's a gift to ourselves and to others. i love stories. i don't think there is a better way to spend a day than finding out someone's story. and the greatest gift we are given in Christ is how He transforms our stories...past, present, and future.

i started at christian union with a whole lot of arrogance.

i thought i knew things.

boy did i think i knew things.

actually i've started most things in life thinkin' i know a thing or two.

and this time, like every other, i have been humbled.

i know so little.

i realize that now.

life isn't about me.

things aren't as black and white as we'd like them to be.

my selfish ambition has been subdued by

turning on&off lights, putting out the conference phone, power washing the steps, printing and binding hundreds and hundreds of papers over and over and over again.

without that selfish ambition, i haven't the faintest idea what i'm supposed to be doing.

without my pride to protect me, i hesitate.

i feel naked.

it has been so long since i have stopped to think--really think--

what do i want?

i've been hiding what i want for so long for so many reasons.

the timing is wrong; my desires have been destructive; there isn't space;

in order to survive one must forget.

i forget who i am when so much of me is not required.

but life is awakening around me.

fresh air. green grass. buds showering the ground.

opportunities are coming for those around me

will it ever be my turn?

will the pieces ever fall into place?

when i take the time to think of all that i have been given,

i either feel overwhelmed or frustrated.

all that is teeming inside may be too much for this one life.

so often before, i've thought i know what is right--

what will satisfy.

how wrong i have been.

so wrong.

my heart calls for something more, but i haven't the faintest idea what it is.

i don't know what it looks like.

i don't know where it is.

God it must be out there.

please. please.

find it for me.

You have given me all of these gifts.

You have pruned this branch so much.

Will You give me a place to bloom?

I know there is so much more than my mediocre ideas and feeble attempts.

I am so easily distracted, so easily swayed.

but my heart is weary of distraction. it is weary of trying to see, explain, reason what is at the end of this tunnel. get me out of here. get me to the light.

push me. put me where You want me.

I'm throwing out my paradigm.

it just doesn't work anymore.

y'know it never really did.

there were always gaps.

but it was easier with it--

than without.

comforting, if you will.

concrete is easier than abstract.

boxes easier than open space.

stereotyping than getting to know someone.

but i'm done.

i'm done trying to figure it out.

i'm done trying to classify.

i'm done trying to systematize and rationalize.

it has just been ridiculous.

and sometimes it's been my fault.

as a matter of fact i've blamed myself a lot of the time.

but this last time it wasn't--

at all.

it wasn't anybody's.

it just was. ridiculous.

there are no words.

no one has any.

with each time i tell the story,

i am greeted with silence.

a little bit of awe, a little bit of shock and whole lot of head shaking.

and with each bit of silence, i can't help but laugh.

whatever is going on here is way over my head.

i have two choices.

i can bemoan my life and blame myself.

or I can laugh and trust my Creator.

For the first time, I do laugh--

and not with a cynical edge,

but with true joy.

Because I asked for a crazy life and He gave it to me.

I wanted to trust Him and with each passing experience I do.

And I finally FINALLY have a small grasp, a glimpse into the eternal.

And I genuinely believe with just an ounce of my being that what's coming has got to be awesome.

i wrote this back in november at the end of my week of travel. just realized i never actually posted it.

There is nothing quite like sitting in a nearly empty airport with smooth jazz playing…

It’s a little bit like being frozen in time.

There is neither here nor there.

Just waiting.

Patiently.

What I love about traveling:

It gives perspective.

It satisfies that little monster that roams within my soul.

It used to be exciting sights and new smells and tastes.

It has increasingly become the enjoyment of good company and the simplicity of life.

I am blessed.

I am increasingly becoming convinced that home truly is where the heart is.

And my heart does not lie in one physical location--

But in many with many individuals.

I’ve never lived in St. Louis, but the people make me feel like its my home.

I only spent a few years in Michigan but the people there make it my refuge.

New Jersey has only known my face for 2 years, but the people there will always hold pieces of my heart.

I will never live in a location that fully satisfies.

I will always want more.

But I also am coming to trust that I can always go see a bit more with people that I love.

People aren’t going to leave me.

Friendships do become sweeter with time.

Distance creates depth in those that are worthwhile.

My heart is full…

And looking forward to next time.