i'm so tired.
and i'm tired of being tired.

i feel like i've been punishing myself.
punishing myself for being young.
for being single.
creative.
smart.

i think i've been working against myself for the last few years.
maybe my whole life.
making choices that show how responsible i am.
taking actions that groom my maturity.
doing things to prove i'm worthwhile.
and you know i wanted God to work all that proving, working stuff out of me.
and yet here i am.
still proving myself.
still trying to shout hey look at me i'm worth something...aren't i? i need you to tell me that.
and i am so tired.
beyond tired.
beyond exhaustion.
sleep does not fulfill.
a day on the beach won't be enough.
a week of vacation just stems the tide of exhaustion.

God, how do I stop it?
how do I just be?
be who You want me to be--nothing more, nothing less.
i've wasted so much energy either hiding who i am or trying to be more than i am--but mostly hiding.
i'm such a wimp.
there's nothing more to say.
i've cowered for so long, i wonder if i remember how to stand up straight.
i've ignored my desires in an attempt to be noble.
noble my ass.
i'm stubborn like an ass though that's for sure.
God rid all self-deprecation in heart, word, and deed.
may i be only who You have created me to be.
amen.