i started at christian union with a whole lot of arrogance.

i thought i knew things.

boy did i think i knew things.

actually i've started most things in life thinkin' i know a thing or two.

and this time, like every other, i have been humbled.

i know so little.

i realize that now.

life isn't about me.

things aren't as black and white as we'd like them to be.

my selfish ambition has been subdued by

turning on&off lights, putting out the conference phone, power washing the steps, printing and binding hundreds and hundreds of papers over and over and over again.

without that selfish ambition, i haven't the faintest idea what i'm supposed to be doing.

without my pride to protect me, i hesitate.

i feel naked.

it has been so long since i have stopped to think--really think--

what do i want?

i've been hiding what i want for so long for so many reasons.

the timing is wrong; my desires have been destructive; there isn't space;

in order to survive one must forget.

i forget who i am when so much of me is not required.

but life is awakening around me.

fresh air. green grass. buds showering the ground.

opportunities are coming for those around me

will it ever be my turn?

will the pieces ever fall into place?

when i take the time to think of all that i have been given,

i either feel overwhelmed or frustrated.

all that is teeming inside may be too much for this one life.

so often before, i've thought i know what is right--

what will satisfy.

how wrong i have been.

so wrong.

my heart calls for something more, but i haven't the faintest idea what it is.

i don't know what it looks like.

i don't know where it is.

God it must be out there.

please. please.

find it for me.

You have given me all of these gifts.

You have pruned this branch so much.

Will You give me a place to bloom?

I know there is so much more than my mediocre ideas and feeble attempts.

I am so easily distracted, so easily swayed.

but my heart is weary of distraction. it is weary of trying to see, explain, reason what is at the end of this tunnel. get me out of here. get me to the light.

push me. put me where You want me.