I'm throwing out my paradigm.

it just doesn't work anymore.

y'know it never really did.

there were always gaps.

but it was easier with it--

than without.

comforting, if you will.

concrete is easier than abstract.

boxes easier than open space.

stereotyping than getting to know someone.

but i'm done.

i'm done trying to figure it out.

i'm done trying to classify.

i'm done trying to systematize and rationalize.

it has just been ridiculous.

and sometimes it's been my fault.

as a matter of fact i've blamed myself a lot of the time.

but this last time it wasn't--

at all.

it wasn't anybody's.

it just was. ridiculous.

there are no words.

no one has any.

with each time i tell the story,

i am greeted with silence.

a little bit of awe, a little bit of shock and whole lot of head shaking.

and with each bit of silence, i can't help but laugh.

whatever is going on here is way over my head.

i have two choices.

i can bemoan my life and blame myself.

or I can laugh and trust my Creator.

For the first time, I do laugh--

and not with a cynical edge,

but with true joy.

Because I asked for a crazy life and He gave it to me.

I wanted to trust Him and with each passing experience I do.

And I finally FINALLY have a small grasp, a glimpse into the eternal.

And I genuinely believe with just an ounce of my being that what's coming has got to be awesome.