so i'm noticing a trend in conversations with my friends . . .
girl friends that is . . .

we all seem to have experienced similar conversations with guys--
almost like they were reading off of the same script.
and i've heard it indirectly more than once before.

at least it clarifies and reinforces for me that what was said wasn't as a result of something i did wrong. or because i'm ugly. or too emotional. or not enough. or--well, you get the point. though that is incredibly difficult not to do.

but it is discouraging.

what does it take for a guy to unravel himself from his own insecurities so he can see someone on the other side?
it'd be nice to not hear for once:
you deserve someone better.
or i have issues to work on.
or you don't want to deal with this.

dear Lord do you think i do this for kicks?
do you really?
do you think i put myself out there just to have you run away?
because i think you should know that i don't just throw myself out there. i don't pull this kinda thing. my instinct always says i'd rather be without--even when my heart says otherwise.

besides, do you think i'm looking for a perfect man?
do you really?
because i'm not.
i'm just looking for one who loves me in my mess and allows me to love him in his.

why is that so hard to find?

Saw a trucker the other day
Early in the morning
coffee in hand
thought to myself
What a life.

To roam free.
To escape life for awhile.
the road passes by.
Neither here nor there.
What a temptation for my roaming heart.

The more I contemplated
The faster my mind ran
Jumped--
Leaped--
To the possibilities.

A plane ticket
Or maybe at train
At least a day away
To a place familiar or unknown,
Just to get some space.

Travel is life outside of itself
Heightened--
With more vibrant colors,
Stronger tastes ,
Crisper smells.

And for once
I thought about bringing a few others along.
I guess I am growing up.
Not being such an isolationist.
Crazy.
Fleeting though it be.

I finally get my moment of silence…
And I can’t stand it.
The growling in my stomach might have something to do with it.
But I know it’s more than that.

Doesn’t matter how you put it
I’m left behind
With shadows of dashed possibilities

Ever the dreamer
Left high and dry
Yet again.

Not by choice
But by circumstance
Like someone is laughing
At my expense.

I delve deep
Drudging up old fears and insecurities
Only to beat them into submission.

Will I ever learn?
But I have.
Even if it can be hard to see.

For as much as I try,
I can’t deny a redemption that isn’t my own,
Even when it feels like life has cheated me.
For there is faith in a plan bigger than ourselves.

Guess what?
For once it isn’t my own doing
--or undoing.
And there is so much hope in that as well.

That maybe….
Just maybe…..
I’m a little bit closer than I was before.

God, how persistent can I be?
Seriously.
I should be giving up right about now.
No.
I should have given up years ago.

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a glutton for punishment.
After all, how many shots does a girl really get?
Especially when so many are my own destructive acts of rebellion.
And then when one comes along who is actually good…
The wind rips it away.

But something other than myself
Doesn’t let me stay there.
Someone greater than myself gives me hope
When I really should have absolutely none.
And for that I am eternally grateful.

sidebar: i wonder what it is that makes a blog famous.

there are a few that i check up on pretty frequently-

ones that i found through friends of friends.

the writers are geniuses (in my humble opinion)

theveryworstmissionary.com

theorganicbirdblog.com

i mean i don't read crap. i'm rather picky actually. i don't waste my eyes/time for nothing--

well except grad school research. sigh.

all that scientific crap makes a soul thirsty for words that have, well, soul. but anyways--

that's not really what i wanted write about...entirely.

it is...and it's not.

i'm reading a lot of things that tell me what's wrong with the world in this graduate-school-stage-of-life. social work is all too often more about diagnosing the problem than actually solving it. after all, we have a whole manual of disorders. some of them really make me wonder if we know what a healthy person looks like in our western society. or if this whole act of classifying is really doing us any good.

by creating more and more disorders to classify what is 'wrong' with people, we also let them off the hook. we give them an excuse not to take responsibility for their actions, especially parents for their children. i fully recognize and believe that there are individuals with chemical imbalances that contribute to their perspective on the world and how they cope with stress. we live in an incredibly broken world--physically, emotionally, and mentally. can't be a social worker and deny that.

but somehow i wonder if we're missing the point (and i suppose a humanistic degree such as social work would miss this point). for instead of diagnosing the individual to give them an excuse, or at the very least an explanation, for their behavior, emotions, or mental state, shouldn't it drive us to wonder what the root of the problem really is?

all of these disorders are only symptoms of a much deeper issue. they beg us to ask the questions: what does a healthy human being look like? how does an emotionally stable individual behave? what are healthy relationships made of?

for how can we call these individuals broken without taking a fine tooth comb to our own lives?

in the same token, i've also been experiencing a lot of criticism, not of myself in particular, but of life by those around me outside of the social work program. and it begs me to ask the same question: how can you call these individuals wrong/weird/broken/lost without examining your own life?

where has our humility gone?

behind our good intentions lurks a pride we dare deny;

a self-righteousness clothed in humanistic efforts to save others.

why?

because we have deemed them in need of saving.

when maybe they have been placed here to show us that we are the ones really in need of saving.

i long for words of life and truth--words with soul that are honest and transparent. the criticism, it drains me. it leaves me empty and hollow. the judgment--parched. the self-righteousness--weary. dear God, how we need life to flow through our words.

may life flow through mine.

a belief of mine is about to be challenged.

actually it already is being challenged.

and whatever happens in this situation--

it will be changed because of it.

me and relationships--

very practical. incredibly logical.

they take work, intentionality, and they aren't always fun.

as a matter of fact, having fun is well, a bonus--not expected, especially not right away.

i have lots of people in my life that i have worked hard with which to build relationships.

most of all i know i'm not going to like them all of the time. period.

i know i'm going to want to run away and try the next new adventure.

But God keeps me grounded because people are in my life for a reason--though i don't always entirely know why.

now translate that to a romantic relationship, combine it with my disdain for romanticism and idealization, and you can see a very practical belief forming. a belief in a whole lotta work with no heart behind it. i have been saturated with the idea that romantic love is anything but infatuation and hormones. That is what I have soaked in from my culture, quite unknowingly. But instead of taking their route of short term physical relationships with very little hope of commitment, i've resigned myself to the idea of a committed relationship full of a whole lotta work and very little heart. Because that idea leads to the belief that love between a husband and wife isn't any different than love between friends! yeesh. that's scary.

and depressing.

and why the hell would i want any of that?!

so as i realize that, i'm going to take a leap here and make a stand. while i don't believe in the romantic love that our culture portrays (and i will continue to disdain it for the lies that it tells), i do believe romantic love exists. Though i'll be honest, i'm not entirely sure what healthy romantic love looks like. but i think i'm finally willing to give it a try. . . .

i'm beginning to think i'm a little defunct.

is it weird that i'd just prefer NOT to categorize people?

that i'd prefer NOT to focus on those who are married/dating versus those who aren't?

or those who are working professionals and those who aren't?

or those who have kids and those who do not?

or...heaven forbid, let's push the envelope here...

those who love Jesus and those who don't?

people are people.

plain and simple.

and i'm pretty good with where i'm at right now so i'd prefer not to be categorized and i'll do the same for you. but i'd love to hear your story and listen to your struggles, marvel in your joys. i'd love to dig deep with you and bring Truth to the surface. i'd love to talk about hope and joy and love and faith--what that looks like for you. i'd prefer not to get caught up in labels and stereotypes. Truth doesn't come through categorizing. Hope isn't found in a box. Joy does not flow from the shallows. Faith is not revealed in pat answers.

so can we abandon these soap boxes about issues and start listening to people?

i think that might be where it's all at.

holidays make my skin crawl . . .

don't want it to be like that, but if i'm honest, they really do.

probably because every year til recently

it was the season of tug-of-war

and awkward gift giving

and uncomfortable dinner conversations

and general insecurity.

who really wants that?

it makes me shudder to think back on it.

now it's more neutral.

calm.

small.

simple.

but it's going to take about another decade before I stop gritting my teeth in preparation. after all how long does it take to erase 18+ years of all that? and of course, being the artistic type, i am the only one in my immediate family who notices and stores these things mentally and emotionally.

can't wait til it's all over so i can breathe again.

til next year . . .

it'll get easier with time.