i think up opening lines to blogs while i'm walking down the street or day dreaming.
but i never remember them when i get to a computer--
should write them on my hand.
it's always some great philosophical statement about life based upon my observations of the small things around me.
annie dillard-esque. my hero. to go live in the woods for a year.
i think i'd get bored, but it'd probably be good for me.

or a rant about something that annoys me.
like adults leaving their junk everywhere to be picked up by 'someone else' (that someone else being me.)
or the toilet seat being left up. seriously. you're not at home.
this. is. a. public. restroom.
put it down
or...well i can't think of anything else. but you get the point.

anyways
i turned in a resume on monday with a dynamite reference letter and a so-so cover letter (i've written so many, i can't tell if they're good or bad anymore, they've become so formulaic).
for a job that a friend told me about and very strongly urged me to apply for. haven't heard anything.
it put me in a funny place to start with. i've been pretty selfish/stubborn lately. about a lot of things.
example1: weddings. i swear. if one more person around me gets engaged. well. i don't know what i'll do. not because i'm bitter. i swear. i know when i'm being bitter. i'm just tired of having the same conversations-- over and over and over again. and hearing girls deliberate about the DUMBEST things. yes you're getting married. it's supposed to be the greatest day of your life. and all the little retarded details matter to you. but it's not exciting to me. as a matter of fact, it kinda makes me want to bang my head against the wall. after all, i've already heard this from 10 other girls soooo can we move on? selfish.

example2: my dad. the last time i talked to him on the phone he was freaking out about something silly. i realized just how ridiculous he can be, even if he is my father. and it kinda makes me not want to talk to him at all. and i'd like to think its because it always comes back to him. but really it's just me being selfish.

example3: a friend i haven't had contact with in three weeks. and we used to talk every day at least once, if not twice, for the last year and at least once a week for the last decade. i think this is the longest we've ever gone without contact. do i reach out? of course not. i'd like to think its because she needs to reach out to me but really i'm procrastinating & being selfish.

example4: turning in my resume. i was blatantly stubborn on this one. i knew i needed to follow through if only b.c i didn't want to. and get this, it wasn't because i LOVE where i am. b.c i don't. i mean it's not awful, but i've definitely become increasingly restless in the last month or so. no, i didn't want to because i'm comfortable. and i hate that. i have always prayed God keep me from being comfortable in life. b.c i didn't want to go through yet another change. i wasn't willing to go when called. b.c i am being stubborn.

now that i think about it, it's not so much a recent development as an uncovering, a revealing to myself of my true nature. and me not disguising it, esp to myself, with good intentions. in my arrogance that's what i do. i pat myself on my back after a conversation that i don't want to hear or am not particularly interested in and say good job tolerating. good job appearing interested.
and that's just it.
that's my stubbornness.
my tolerance and just 'appearing interested' says i'm putting up with your strand of conversation to make you feel better but really i find this boring. it says what i would like to converse about is much better and more interesting than what you are talking about. it is me being closed minded and unwilling to listen.
my procrastination says you're not worth my effort. i'm putting you off just a little bit longer. it's just easier that way. never mind where you are at or what you are dealing with.

God please make me actually interested.
give me a heart that actually cares.
make me actually willing to go when You want me to.
make me more than just my silly words.
b.c they are so ridiculously empty without You.

when you don't know what to do......
write a blog post.

so i know to many people, my current dilemma would seem ridiculous or not even a dilemma at all. after all, who seriously deliberates about who they should be spending their time with?
And who gets overwhelmed by too many people asking to hang out?
that's just silly.

but that's where i'm at right now. again.
for the millionth time.
it's kind of a common thread in my life.

and so i have to choose
because i can't do it all.
blast. i hate that.
i HATE disappointing people. i feel such a responsibility, an obligation.
and all i really want is to be free.
free to follow my desire, my intuition wherever it takes me.

like this weekend--
friday night: two different invites, received in a matter of hours of each other.
first: people i haven't seen in awhile who i kinda feel comfortable with doing something i only kinda enjoy at a place that is a bad drive on a friday but i may not have a chance to see very much of them after this summer ever again.
second: people i've seen kinda recently doing something that sounds like a lotta fun at a place i feel comfortable and is not a bad drive on a friday but some i will definitely have many opportunities to see in the future.
both i have had to say no to them quite a bit b.c of other commitments.

am i an awful person for wanting to be with people i feel comfortable with? does that make me insular? exclusive? people that i know i can develop real relationships with that will be around for awhile instead of just for a bit or on a hit and miss kinda opportunity.

who do i focus on? spend time with? i don't want to spend all my time with the same people. honestly i'd go crazy. never been able to do that. though this time i can't help but revel in the community i've found. and i want to focus here, pour out my energies where i am physically present. and i can't do that, i can't find the energy to do that if i keep doing this hit or miss thing.

do you see? do you see why i go a little crazy on the inside?
and that's just friday night...
that's not even saturday.
or sunday.
or monday.
or...well you get the point.

and i'm not even addressing my need for me time--which i deny quite frequently.
how the hell does one decide what to do and who to be with when there is just so much going on!?!?

home is found--
quite unexpectedly.
it sort of sneaks up on you when you're not really looking.

you crave it when it's missing or gone awry.
its absence is keenly felt.
the ache it leaves in your gut is unmistakable.

depending on how long you're out of sorts--
if home isn't really home anymore
or doesn't have the same location
or isn't easily accessible
if the people have changed
or moved away
or you have changed--
the light at the end of the tunnel is more of distant memory
than a future reality.

but it's something we never stop longing for--
a place where we feel safe even when life isn't
filled with people we love even when they drive us crazy.
it's written on our hearts.
you can see it in a child's eyes
or in the deep inhale of a college student home for the holidays
or in the sigh of relief of a working parent after a long, hard day.

i think i've found it here.
actually i think it found me.
it snuck up on me when i stopped fighting.
it caught me off guard.
somewhere between the hospital visit and wedding,
i started saying i'm going home--
and it's my home.
it's not where my parents are, or my sister, or where i grew up, or Chicago, or Miracle Camp.
it's here now.
those were all, at one or several points in time, my home, some with a very temporary feeling.
and they were always contigent on a predetermined factor--where i was born, who i was born to, where i chose to go to school or work during school--for a set period of time that i knew would eventually end. and i thought that it would be a long time before i found home again.
for real this time.
on my own terms.
i kept it at bay, arm's length if you will. determined to remain detached.
but somewhere between that hospital visit and wedding, i let my guard down.
and it got me.

you know how i know? because for the first time in a very long time, i'm excited to go on a trip because i know i have somewhere and someone(s) to come back to.
and i'm not afraid it's all going to change.

i think i have effectively passed my day here at the Wilson House doing absolutely nothing for work....

lots of thinking...typing...planning...

but nothing work related. ha.

it is insane that i can pass an entire day writing emails and reading blog posts and researching wedding things and who knows what else...(sounds like i'm getting married-but trust me, i'm not. just everyone else around me)

but i gotta admit, i kinda like it.

i couldn't do it all the time...but every once in a while it sure is nice.

entire days can pass away in my mind.

days spent wondering and wandering.

and i'm the happiest person in the world.

they're great learning days, processing life.

deciding what to hold onto and what to let go.

what's worthwhile and what's not.

who i am and what i am doing.

do you ever just want to stare off into space?

its not that i'm tired. or even overwhelmed.

sometimes i just need to be.

i'd forgotten what it was like to be free.

but someone came along at just the right moment and showed me how again.

that knot-oh that knot. it's gone.

the relief is so tangible, i readily breathe a sigh of relief.

it goes beyond wedding planning, car fixing, hospitalization, moving, new job, moving, americorps, moving, working 2 jobs, dunkin donuts, moving, not knowing what i'm doing with my life, interning, moving, counseling, moving, moving--all the way back to college. (man, have i moved a lot.) all the way back to that girl who lived free.

how sweet it was. free to float and flit and explore. to look at the dates on tombstones or wander around, late at night, musing out loud. to dwell in simplicity together. there were people to do it with me. it's not that i've stopped between college and now, being who i am. it's that i stopped trusting others to do it with me. it's that i couldn't find them. no, that's not even true.

it's that i didn't stay put in one place long enough to trust them. and life got in the way. bills. job searching. apartment hunting. when the big things are uncertain, you stop taking risks in the little things. that's what i've learned over the last few years.

you stop hanging out randomly with people b.c you're too exhausted from the instability of your job, your life, your lack of place in the world.

you can't hop on a plane and fly to another part of world on a whim because anxiety might keep you from getting on the flight. let alone the money...

large, loud, overwhelming places shut you down instead of energize you because you can't find enough space from minute to minute to breathe.

simplicity gets lost in the complexity of having to live life alone and grown up, responsible.

but there must be a way to keep it. a way to feel it in my soul, even as my mind and body is confined. a way to live and love simplicity and be free, to maintain childlike abandonment, amongst the drudgery of the american dream. to not worry about tomorrow, but live for today. i think i've been brainwashed into responsibility.

there's just this tension inside of me, the many sides of my personality. the body that needs to be structured, the mind that needs to be challenged, the heart that needs to be loved, the soul that needs to be free, and they continually conflict with each other. my body needs regular sleep and rest but my heart and soul keep me out late at night. my soul wants to be free of the worries of every day life but my body needs me to work a regular job to house and feed myself. my mind loves to be challenged with tasks and responsibilities for it is easily bored but those tasks and responsibilities often monopolize my life.

i like me but sometimes i don't know what to do with me.

the feeling that sits in your chest...

like a rock.

the knot that doesn't let you sleep.

you close your eyes and pictures plague your brain.

halfway comatose and still,

the knot plagues you.

doubts.anger.hurt.stress.frustration.

coiled up inside, a spring tightly wound ready to explode into fear.

push it to edge of consciousness and drug oneself to sleep, hoping for peace-

which never comes.

i can't face it though.

if i face it, i'll die.

it'll consume me.

and i will no longer feel.

what blatant lies.

how readily i believe.

the darkness will pass.

and light will come.

hope will dawn.

pain does not last.

joy triumphs.

but until then...

side note: i just finished writing a summary of the events leading up to my hospital visit and effectively concluded that yes, it was the doctor's fault. now what do i do with that?

before writing that, i was thinking all day about writing some semi-romantic, poetic post about longing for lost has-beens and a good cup of coffee with a friend. because i have to say, i most definitely miss the art of coffee shops and enjoying good, slow conversation with a close friend. it's a hankering that i just haven't been able to shake over the last few weeks. clips of memories from coffee shops past and good conversation have been flitting across my mind, stirring up longing for at least part of a life i used to know. if there's one thing michigan knows how to do, it is its coffee shops (and bars though saloons would almost be a better word). mm, if i could just get a taste of that here, i'd know i've arrived. i can think of 5 fantastic coffee shops, places to hang with interesting people and random conversations just dying to be started...within 45 minutes of where i used to live. (and 45 minutes of michigan time is waaay different and less stressful than 45 minutes of new jersey time travelling) decor that beckoned one to sit and explore the space surrounding. smells that told stories. and coffee...well, it wasn't always the best but it had character according to the location. and it was DEFINITELY better than starbucks or dunkin donuts. oh wait, dunkin donuts barely eeks out an existence in michigan.

and now don't even get me started on chicago. it's like michigan's coffee shops compressed into a much smaller space with so much more frequency one never goes without. i wish i could take you there...show you the nooks, the crannies. the places i know! how'd i love to share.

there's so much i do here and now in this life that i live at present that is on my own. weird, unique, quirky things that i don't need to share with anyone to gain satisfaction. taking walks in the woods (yes, i've found woods on the east coast, it is a miracle). cooking up random concoctions. writing while sitting in random places. exploring random stores. planting/taking care of my little green buddies. immersing myself in sights and sounds of the city. going to the library (which by the way i need to find in my area). just enjoying the area i live in. but a good cup of coffee is not always meant to be while one is working or sitting at home reading or journaling or furiously plowing away at a project. conversation brings out the flavor in ways no roasting or brewing method can. i miss that flavor.

guess i could still write that post after figuring out that my near death experience was at the fault of another human being....

i do wonder if some aches ever die.

if we ever stop missing the people we've known but don't see anymore.

they were so much a part of my life.

and then i left.

i couldn't have stayed, that much is clear.

i needed more. more than they could give--not that i was asking them to.

but somehow that doesn't make the ache for that which was rooted, oh so rooted, in time and in depth. a depth that only time can procure. i wish i could bring them all together and be entirely present with each one. some day...

i just want it all. is that too much to ask? :-P