when you don't know what to do......
write a blog post.

so i know to many people, my current dilemma would seem ridiculous or not even a dilemma at all. after all, who seriously deliberates about who they should be spending their time with?
And who gets overwhelmed by too many people asking to hang out?
that's just silly.

but that's where i'm at right now. again.
for the millionth time.
it's kind of a common thread in my life.

and so i have to choose
because i can't do it all.
blast. i hate that.
i HATE disappointing people. i feel such a responsibility, an obligation.
and all i really want is to be free.
free to follow my desire, my intuition wherever it takes me.

like this weekend--
friday night: two different invites, received in a matter of hours of each other.
first: people i haven't seen in awhile who i kinda feel comfortable with doing something i only kinda enjoy at a place that is a bad drive on a friday but i may not have a chance to see very much of them after this summer ever again.
second: people i've seen kinda recently doing something that sounds like a lotta fun at a place i feel comfortable and is not a bad drive on a friday but some i will definitely have many opportunities to see in the future.
both i have had to say no to them quite a bit b.c of other commitments.

am i an awful person for wanting to be with people i feel comfortable with? does that make me insular? exclusive? people that i know i can develop real relationships with that will be around for awhile instead of just for a bit or on a hit and miss kinda opportunity.

who do i focus on? spend time with? i don't want to spend all my time with the same people. honestly i'd go crazy. never been able to do that. though this time i can't help but revel in the community i've found. and i want to focus here, pour out my energies where i am physically present. and i can't do that, i can't find the energy to do that if i keep doing this hit or miss thing.

do you see? do you see why i go a little crazy on the inside?
and that's just friday night...
that's not even saturday.
or sunday.
or monday.
or...well you get the point.

and i'm not even addressing my need for me time--which i deny quite frequently.
how the hell does one decide what to do and who to be with when there is just so much going on!?!?