i think up opening lines to blogs while i'm walking down the street or day dreaming.
but i never remember them when i get to a computer--
should write them on my hand.
it's always some great philosophical statement about life based upon my observations of the small things around me.
annie dillard-esque. my hero. to go live in the woods for a year.
i think i'd get bored, but it'd probably be good for me.

or a rant about something that annoys me.
like adults leaving their junk everywhere to be picked up by 'someone else' (that someone else being me.)
or the toilet seat being left up. seriously. you're not at home.
this. is. a. public. restroom.
put it down
or...well i can't think of anything else. but you get the point.

anyways
i turned in a resume on monday with a dynamite reference letter and a so-so cover letter (i've written so many, i can't tell if they're good or bad anymore, they've become so formulaic).
for a job that a friend told me about and very strongly urged me to apply for. haven't heard anything.
it put me in a funny place to start with. i've been pretty selfish/stubborn lately. about a lot of things.
example1: weddings. i swear. if one more person around me gets engaged. well. i don't know what i'll do. not because i'm bitter. i swear. i know when i'm being bitter. i'm just tired of having the same conversations-- over and over and over again. and hearing girls deliberate about the DUMBEST things. yes you're getting married. it's supposed to be the greatest day of your life. and all the little retarded details matter to you. but it's not exciting to me. as a matter of fact, it kinda makes me want to bang my head against the wall. after all, i've already heard this from 10 other girls soooo can we move on? selfish.

example2: my dad. the last time i talked to him on the phone he was freaking out about something silly. i realized just how ridiculous he can be, even if he is my father. and it kinda makes me not want to talk to him at all. and i'd like to think its because it always comes back to him. but really it's just me being selfish.

example3: a friend i haven't had contact with in three weeks. and we used to talk every day at least once, if not twice, for the last year and at least once a week for the last decade. i think this is the longest we've ever gone without contact. do i reach out? of course not. i'd like to think its because she needs to reach out to me but really i'm procrastinating & being selfish.

example4: turning in my resume. i was blatantly stubborn on this one. i knew i needed to follow through if only b.c i didn't want to. and get this, it wasn't because i LOVE where i am. b.c i don't. i mean it's not awful, but i've definitely become increasingly restless in the last month or so. no, i didn't want to because i'm comfortable. and i hate that. i have always prayed God keep me from being comfortable in life. b.c i didn't want to go through yet another change. i wasn't willing to go when called. b.c i am being stubborn.

now that i think about it, it's not so much a recent development as an uncovering, a revealing to myself of my true nature. and me not disguising it, esp to myself, with good intentions. in my arrogance that's what i do. i pat myself on my back after a conversation that i don't want to hear or am not particularly interested in and say good job tolerating. good job appearing interested.
and that's just it.
that's my stubbornness.
my tolerance and just 'appearing interested' says i'm putting up with your strand of conversation to make you feel better but really i find this boring. it says what i would like to converse about is much better and more interesting than what you are talking about. it is me being closed minded and unwilling to listen.
my procrastination says you're not worth my effort. i'm putting you off just a little bit longer. it's just easier that way. never mind where you are at or what you are dealing with.

God please make me actually interested.
give me a heart that actually cares.
make me actually willing to go when You want me to.
make me more than just my silly words.
b.c they are so ridiculously empty without You.