side note: i just finished writing a summary of the events leading up to my hospital visit and effectively concluded that yes, it was the doctor's fault. now what do i do with that?

before writing that, i was thinking all day about writing some semi-romantic, poetic post about longing for lost has-beens and a good cup of coffee with a friend. because i have to say, i most definitely miss the art of coffee shops and enjoying good, slow conversation with a close friend. it's a hankering that i just haven't been able to shake over the last few weeks. clips of memories from coffee shops past and good conversation have been flitting across my mind, stirring up longing for at least part of a life i used to know. if there's one thing michigan knows how to do, it is its coffee shops (and bars though saloons would almost be a better word). mm, if i could just get a taste of that here, i'd know i've arrived. i can think of 5 fantastic coffee shops, places to hang with interesting people and random conversations just dying to be started...within 45 minutes of where i used to live. (and 45 minutes of michigan time is waaay different and less stressful than 45 minutes of new jersey time travelling) decor that beckoned one to sit and explore the space surrounding. smells that told stories. and coffee...well, it wasn't always the best but it had character according to the location. and it was DEFINITELY better than starbucks or dunkin donuts. oh wait, dunkin donuts barely eeks out an existence in michigan.

and now don't even get me started on chicago. it's like michigan's coffee shops compressed into a much smaller space with so much more frequency one never goes without. i wish i could take you there...show you the nooks, the crannies. the places i know! how'd i love to share.

there's so much i do here and now in this life that i live at present that is on my own. weird, unique, quirky things that i don't need to share with anyone to gain satisfaction. taking walks in the woods (yes, i've found woods on the east coast, it is a miracle). cooking up random concoctions. writing while sitting in random places. exploring random stores. planting/taking care of my little green buddies. immersing myself in sights and sounds of the city. going to the library (which by the way i need to find in my area). just enjoying the area i live in. but a good cup of coffee is not always meant to be while one is working or sitting at home reading or journaling or furiously plowing away at a project. conversation brings out the flavor in ways no roasting or brewing method can. i miss that flavor.

guess i could still write that post after figuring out that my near death experience was at the fault of another human being....

i do wonder if some aches ever die.

if we ever stop missing the people we've known but don't see anymore.

they were so much a part of my life.

and then i left.

i couldn't have stayed, that much is clear.

i needed more. more than they could give--not that i was asking them to.

but somehow that doesn't make the ache for that which was rooted, oh so rooted, in time and in depth. a depth that only time can procure. i wish i could bring them all together and be entirely present with each one. some day...

i just want it all. is that too much to ask? :-P