holidays make my skin crawl . . .

don't want it to be like that, but if i'm honest, they really do.

probably because every year til recently

it was the season of tug-of-war

and awkward gift giving

and uncomfortable dinner conversations

and general insecurity.

who really wants that?

it makes me shudder to think back on it.

now it's more neutral.

calm.

small.

simple.

but it's going to take about another decade before I stop gritting my teeth in preparation. after all how long does it take to erase 18+ years of all that? and of course, being the artistic type, i am the only one in my immediate family who notices and stores these things mentally and emotionally.

can't wait til it's all over so i can breathe again.

til next year . . .

it'll get easier with time.

ooof.

there are conflicting things inside.

the emotion on the surface

and the truth that is deeper

i don't know why i did what i did.

i wish i knew.

i know why i've done it in the past,

-or at least i thought i did.

what choked inside of me?

why couldn't i follow through?

and what freezes me now?

why do i continue to dwell on this?

why can't i let it go?

my communication sucks.

i don't appreciate being laughed at

or blamed.

damn it.

why the hell is it all my fault?

i tried to deter.

i tried to persuade.

and instead i just got screwed.

it's all my fault.

my emotions just want to accept the blame and grovel and swear i'll never do it again.

BUT I NEVER DO IT ANYWAYS!

i think.

i plan.

i take others into consideration.

i try to make the best to bring people together.

i set aside my own interests for the interests of others.

i go. i meet. i reach out. i don't expect others to come to me.

but what if the interests of others are in conflict?

oh wait they're always in conflict.

and no one else ever seems to realize that.

i listen repeatedly to people say in private how they don't want to do things. they don't want to go places. they don't want to reach out. they want others to come to them. i question whether they even want to see me. i don't plan things because i don't want people to come who don't want to be there. i hesitate to reach out because i don't want people to only talk to me because they feel obligated.

i go with the flow because i don't care. because all i really want is for people to be together. that's what makes me happy. that's what makes me feel loved. i don't know that people get that about me. but sometimes you can't have everyone be together and be happy.

and last night was one of those nights.

and either way i looked like an idiot and guilted and blamed.

into my shell i go...

to recover.

i kinda skipped work today.

kinda...

i didn't mean to but something made me run.

sure i didn't feel good,

but i knew why...stupid coffee

but instead of holding it together til it passed,

i cut and ran.

because i'm tired of holding it together til it passes...

til i'm not tired anymore...

til my brain returns...

til i can focus...

til the knot of anxiety disappears and the exhaustion leaves.

damn it.

i'm anxious.

there. i said it out loud.

i've spent all day in bed...drifting in and out

because i'm exhausted...

but i can't make my heart stop pounding in my chest.

the second consciousness sweeps in, every muscle in my body tenses and my heart rate picks up again.

all the ideas inside my head, all the things i must do, all the bills that must be paid, the people that i want to see, the places i want to go, the dreams-

it is too much.

i'm overwhelmed.

and i'm tired of being overwhelmed.

i'm tired of using tv to shut it off.

or sleep to escape.

i am so tired of the pressure i put on myself,

this neurotic need to improve.

i love life.

i love living.

i love dreaming and doing.

i love people and spending time with them.

i love being creative and using it to bless others.

but sometimes i get lost in it all.

and i hate being lost.

hate. it.

so i guess i took a mental health day--

to find myself again.

there are people who make you ...

... more of you

who set you free

to just be.

light.

air.

the very essence of life.

soaking it up.

reveling.

dancing.

it gives me hope;

makes my heart light--

to find another soul that resonates so well;

that echoes my own.

not many answer my call.

most don't even hear it.

very few can sing along.

we can have friends by many circumstances.

by sheer length of time.

by proximity.

by a common experience.

by interest.

by goal.

by heart.

and by soul.

a glimpse of heaven. now.

God gives us glimpses, moments, sometimes hours,

when eternity touches the finite.

it comes unplanned with little premonition and outside of reason.

a collision of time, place, mood, and people--never to be replicated.

but there are those in our lives who bring it a little bit closer a little more frequently.

i drink and drink deeply, finding joy in His gracious gift, always in the unexpected.

thank you God for the unexpected.

i've got an itch--

but i can't figure out how to scratch it.

it's an internal itch

that lies somewhere in my chest.

it comes and goes, ebbs and flows.

it makes me want to do something rash.

i think, i ponder what would scratch.

i listen.

it calls for good company, for laughter, for light.

for easy conversation and quick banter.

everyday life forgotten.

time stands still.

eternity within my grasp.

it longs to be carefree, uncalculated, irrational.

for something new and fresh.

awash with passion.

the familiar left behind.

eternity with my grasp.

i long for eternity within my grasp.

fringe--edge--outskirts--nonconformity--outright rebellion

kinda thought i'd left it behind.

as i listen to Rent. sigh. gets me every time.

funny how i always think that when i move somewhere new and start over with people who don't know me that i can leave these behind.

that my essence will change.

but it hasn't.

i ooze something i can't control.

when i talk in class or in a serious conversation with my friends, i sometimes have a slight out-of-body experience. i hear what i'm saying and i think i am certifiably insane. my mind is in an entirely different space than anyone else in this room. where in the world does this come from?

where does this urge to sit down with people and say tell me something true, tell me something real come from? why does Rent still resonate so deeply? why is Halloween my favorite song on that soundtrack--the most angry intense song? why do i love authors like madeleine l'engle and annie dillard and anne lamott who most people have never heard of, let alone understand or appreciate? possibly even consider them heretics?

why do i have these great urges to go do something raw and random?

to wrench the absolute essence of life?

where does all of this come?

who am i?

i was given something incredible this evening--
and may i never forget it.

someone took the absolute worst decisions/circumstances of my short 25 years and painted them in a way i never knew fully possible: with hope. she took my rebellion in finding a man that landed me in a relationship that robbed us both of our souls and showered it with light. a situation i have come to know so well for all its faults, and only caught glimpses of grace. she turned it completely upside down.

she said: God must have someone really incredible for you to have saved you from that relationship. and she said it with such hope in her eyes because she believes it.

she believes that there is someone incredible for me. she believes that i would be married now if there wasn't someone so much better for me. what freedom, what hope that statement contains for a soul so weary with doubt. there is someone and that someone is incredible. may i believe that like i believe i will be provided for in every other way. may i know that truth so deeply within my soul that i stop worrying. i stop wondering. i stop playing out every worst case scenario. may i believe it so i may live. here. now.