i kinda skipped work today.

kinda...

i didn't mean to but something made me run.

sure i didn't feel good,

but i knew why...stupid coffee

but instead of holding it together til it passed,

i cut and ran.

because i'm tired of holding it together til it passes...

til i'm not tired anymore...

til my brain returns...

til i can focus...

til the knot of anxiety disappears and the exhaustion leaves.

damn it.

i'm anxious.

there. i said it out loud.

i've spent all day in bed...drifting in and out

because i'm exhausted...

but i can't make my heart stop pounding in my chest.

the second consciousness sweeps in, every muscle in my body tenses and my heart rate picks up again.

all the ideas inside my head, all the things i must do, all the bills that must be paid, the people that i want to see, the places i want to go, the dreams-

it is too much.

i'm overwhelmed.

and i'm tired of being overwhelmed.

i'm tired of using tv to shut it off.

or sleep to escape.

i am so tired of the pressure i put on myself,

this neurotic need to improve.

i love life.

i love living.

i love dreaming and doing.

i love people and spending time with them.

i love being creative and using it to bless others.

but sometimes i get lost in it all.

and i hate being lost.

hate. it.

so i guess i took a mental health day--

to find myself again.