i sat in a room tonight listening to a worship band playing, people singing, and prayers ringing out--just like the previous two nights. but tonight it just sounded like noise. when i went outside during the break, in the silence my head was ringing and my heart was suffocated.
when i came back i couldn't open my mouth. i had no breath to speak, to sing. there was nothing.
nothing. that is a very new experience for me. i hardly ever feel nothing (anymore--i used to quite a lot a few years ago, but this is a different kind of nothing). this nothing flowed out of necessity. the necessity to keep my heart from bitterness. and this nothing didn't flow out of indifference either but an overwhelming sense of truth.
it is only for so long that one can strive. and there is an awful lot of striving taking place with the people i know here. I guess it just doesn't appeal to me anymore. and finally i don't feel this monster rise up with indignation when i don't agree with what is going on around me, driving me away from the One that they seek instead of drawing me closer to Him. finally it doesn't control me.
that's what i mean by nothing. how often what others do that smacks of deceptiveness drives me away from what they are being deceptive about even though it should be the persons and not the idea or activity or God that put me on my guard. the persons control my reaction instead of the Truth. so here's the Truth.
the Truth is that I believe in a God who loves and because I am loved I no longer strive.
I rest.
I rest because I know that I am not in control.
And I have lost all desire to fake that I am in control--whether that's to myself, someone else, or Him. I'm not in control. no caveats. none.
God, I cease because You are.
I will wait to hear from You.
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