do you ever have something happen to you that just doesn't feel real the next day?

had one of those days yesterday.

and now, after watching 2 hrs of scrubs b.c i couldn't find the energy to do anything else, i lay in bed wondering if any of it was/is real. partly b.c i live in an alternate universe when i come home --an imaginary hospital with unrealistic situations and tons of humor.

but the other part b.c some of it was too good and other parts too bad.

some i never want to forget--

and others i'd prefer to pretend never happened.

it's strange how one day can hold so much.

actually every day can.

especially if you're female :-P and i can say that b.c i am one

for example take today...a rather ordinary day--unlike yesterday.

but i spent the drive to work crying (partly b.c of yesterday)

the morning overreacting and moping,

lunch time praying,

the afternoon feeling like FINALLY i've actually been given things to accomplish at my job holy shit

dinner, the absolute satisfaction of a real meal after a day of not eating b.c of course i gave in to this whole fasting concept at work...but that's another post. i'm such a weakling for peer pressure.

post dinner the exhaustion of a day spent emotionally all over the board/not eating/not sleeping the last few nights

evening a scrubs marathon to keep myself from going to bed at 7 pm

to night of feeling slightly guilty that i didn't take my evening walk, that i overindulged on scrubs, that i don't think my blood sugar can handle me not eating and then eating, and the slightly whelming feeling that my yesterday wasn't real.

see?

and today was a pretty slow day.

man i hate being a girl.

and i forgot to mention in the midst of all of that, i read a facebook message from a friend about our mutual college friend who was found dead in her apartment last week. there is nothing more humbling than to read a description of how they found her body rotting. dear God someone my age, a person i knew well for a time, her physical body rotting b.c she was not known. the landlord had to call the police to get into the apartment because she hadn't paid her rent in awhile. excuse my crassness but i cannot help but be struck by the absolute fragility of life in hearing and saying that. and it disgusts me! what are we, God, to You that our lives should be so fragile, so short, so completely and utterly forgettable? how can we be here but for a time and so easily forgotten? how close did i come to that myself, if were not for my friends. dear God if i hadn't had people to call would i have been any different? would i have called 911? i honestly don't know. why me and not her? why have You placed me here with such goodness in my life and others are not so fortunate?

most surely i don't deserve this.