The Other Side

One of my students that I am particularly close to has taken an interesting turn in the last few days. She can be incredibly intense, prone to yelling when frustrated without a second thought or slamming items down. But she is also one of my most dedicated helpers on a good day. Today though, today was not a good day. Nor was yesterday. I find myself becoming increasingly frustrated with her because I know who she really is, not this angry arrogrant demon child. Yet she insists upon putting on faces that just aren't her. And she knows I know she's doing it. She knows she's pushing my limits because she knows me so well.
As a relationship with a person, especially a child, becomes more intimate, there are things that were excusable at the beginning of the relationship because of ignorance that are no longer excusable. When I first met her, I excused her rudeness because I knew she didn't know any better. Now she knows. Now there isn't an excuse. Now it is a lashing out, not aimed at me personally which I know, but still unacceptable. So now I get in her face about it because I'm sick of taking her crap. She demands respect from me, which I have given her, because she deserves it and she's not getting it anywhere else. But she's not giving it to me. She is also finding that as I get to know her better that I will hold her to the potential that I know she has. That I demand she give me her best and no excuses are allowed and she finds that frustrating. So yesterday was a particularly bad day and she got a lecture for it in the car before her Kumon. A lecture, mind you, not a yelling because she gets that all the time. No, this was a reasonable appeal to the God-given nature within her, the conscience that is there, fed feebly by what few words of Truth she hears at church. After which, she stormed into Kumon.
However something interesting occurred while she was working on her Kumon. This something caused her to come up to me after Kumon and apologize because she felt guilty (she used the word guilty, not me). This was a real apology, something that I haven't received from any of my students before. Sure they say they're sorry but it is not one of genuine repentance. This one struck me. She does that. She says things that are far beyond her years that will strike me; things about herself, responses to my comments, genuine Truth flows from her mouth. That's not something I get from my other students. We talked about it. I told her I forgive her and that there is a clean slate and that that is what forgiveness means. We shook on it and the moment passed.
But later as I was driving home, I realized that I had never received an apology like that before. For the first time in my life this real genuine apology of a child forced me to face the fact that in accepting that apology and genuinely offering forgiveness, I was acknowledging that I had been hurt. I was acknowledging that I am vulnerable. I was acknowledging it and offering real healing for both of us and not shrugging it off saying it's ok whatever, sweeping it under the rug. There is more to forgiveness than just forgetting.
I can forget almost anything. It gives me an incredible capacity to be open to people and life. I just plain don't remember all of the things that have hurt me in this life. It is a defense mechanism, but it also explains why my tendency is to be reactionary and why I effectively cut people out of my life without a second thought once they have crossed that certain line. I may forget what exactly they did, but a wall is established that I will not cross even though I may want to. There are a few friends that I still hope against all hope that they won't hurt me the same way that they do every time I share a real piece of myself because I still believe in that person I know they can be. But time and time again it happens. So walls are established. These walls are like two way mirrors. I, behind the mirror reflect back to whoever the person is, more often than not, what part of me they want to see to whatever extent that will allow them to feel at ease with me. My life and character is so multi-faceted and deep that it is hardly ever a lie of who I am but rather a simplification. A simplification because I feel I'm just too complicated for most people to handle. Meanwhile I am behind the mirror, taking in all that these people are, protected by the reflection, the illusion that they know me when they really don't. But it also backfires on me because then people often have no idea that they have hurt me in the first place. And being the incredibly complex person I am, I did not become this way because life was all sunshine and flowers. This kind of complexity is only sprung out of hurt and pain in a sensitive soul that cause much thought and growth. Hurt and pain that have hardly ever received real apologies because to me how can it be real if that person doesn't really understand how they've hurt me? Therefore I have very rarely offered real forgiveness but instead built the wall and forgotten-or attempted. There are also key severed relationships throughout my life that I have never given them the opportunity to apologize and therefore the chance for me to offer forgiveness. Not that they need to offer an apology for me to forgive, but it shows how unwilling I am to admit that I am vulnerable, let alone continue to be vulnerable in the relationship with the acknowledgment to myself and that person that I am vulnerable and capable of being hurt.
In this job with these children I have had the opportunity to offer real apologies, something I have spent much of my life working up to because it was never said at home where I wanted to hear it the most. Never did I expect from this to be taught such a valuable lesson in forgiveness. Never did I expect to experience it from the other side.
I am vulnerable.
When you hurt me, I will acknowledge it. And in doing so, I will more than likely be asking more out of you than you want to give. I will be holding you to a higher standard than you feel you can live up to. I only do so because I can see vividly the potential that you have been given. And if I don't make that known, then I am not doing myself a disservice but you.
Truth must be spoken.
When an apology is offered, I will accept it. I will acknowledge forgiveness. And when I forgive, I vow to continue in the relationship in loving acknowledgement of and growth from the past, not forgetfulness of it. I will not build the wall.
Love must be lived.