As much as I like to fly by the seat of my pants, I also love to plan things. I like to know that I have certain things concrete in order to let the rest of my world fill with lovely chaos. Because I love chaos as well. A good balance between the two is ideal.
Too much planning and one forgets that life is not within our control.
Too much chaos leads to a life that never goes anywhere, lacks focus and never turns one direction or the other.
Planning leaves one wondering where all the time has gone.
Chaos leaves one wondering when time will ever end.
Planning forces one to always look to the future to be prepared for the next thing that just might happen.
Chaos shifts the focus to the past where life was simpler, easier, "the good ol' days" because it brings comfort or the ever present, never prepared for what is up ahead.
I lived controlled chaos in college. I had my structures within which life was mildly tamed. I had direction. I was prepared to a certain degree and the past wasn't too great so I didn't want to dwell on it. I lived very much in the present and the future consisted to the end of the semester-never much beyond. My family and friends were consistent. My dwelling place was fairly consistent. I went out and did many things but I always knew what I was coming back to. It kept me grounded but allowed me freedom.
When I graduated, all of that changed. At first I dwelt largely in the past, the good ol' days. My life went completely to chaos. Then I slowly began to shift towards planning, finding the next step. I planned a month or two in advance. Then I moved to New Jersey and with the absolute lack of any comfort around me, shifted fully into planning mode, dwelling largely in the future. I have spent the last few months trying to find a job as well as daydreaming of all the possibilities after "this" whatever this is. My schedule is very full and sporadic and so I don't have much room in life unless I plan it a month in advance. But then this last week hit. And now all I can do is get through tomorrow. I have been very abruptly jerked back from the future to the very real and gritty present.
In some ways it's comforting. I have no room left to worry because it has been clearly shown that it's all out of my control. Who's to say that I should wake up tomorrow and find it exactly as today?
But I also feel stranded.
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