Do you ever wish you could shut your brain off?

I think waaaaay too much.

I love different things. I love exploring new opportunities. I'm kind of an addict to change.
But . . . those kind of things can only be truly appreciated when you have some form of stability to fall back on. Something or someone that you know will take care of things with you. Not necessarily for you because well, I'm too independent for that. Someone who has shown they are reliable. But someone that you know will be there to work with you through it so you don't have to think about every absolute possible worst case scenario to prepare yourself. Because well, its just not a good thing to be unprepared.

This is how I feel right now in my life-that it is not a good thing to be unprepared. I'm glad I spent last year at Miracle Camp. I honestly don't think I could've handled leaving all semblance of security at that time what with my parents moving, graduating, etc. But now I am for all intensive purposes, on my own. My parents only live 2 hours away, and they pay for my cell phone and my car insurance-thank God. But that's it. And while I am becoming comfortable where they are, I am becoming increasingly aware that I need to make my own life and even if they wanted to, they couldn't really help me. It's like when they used to look at my math homework in high school and just shake their heads. There's no way they could help me because they themselves didn't know. The situations I am dealing with now from finding a part time job to an apartment to dealing with a culture that they have never encountered like I am right now...they can offer advice but they don't have anymore connections than I do out here. And they definitely don't know more than I do about Newark culture and inner city youth.

At camp I still felt like anything could go wrong and it would work out. It would be ok.
When I travel overseas, I leave myself with no other option than to believe that if something awful is meant to happen to me, then I will just have to trust it is going to be ok. I am willing in those circumstances to fully recognize that I am not in control and don't feel the need to be responsible.

But here. In real life. I feel responsible. I feel like I need to be prepared. I don't feel like there is anyone here that I can rely on if I hit a tough spot. Everyone else is so busy and wrapped up in their own worlds that are also constantly changing. I realize that I enjoy change when the people around me are stable because I know they'll support me if I totally mess up.
Instead I am constantly thinking.
Covering my own ass.
Preparing.

It's exhausting.