No snow for two weeks and then 24 hrs before they're supposed arrive a foot or two (slight exaggeration...but only slight) one church in the ditch but all came and we got another foot over the weekend and then we're supposed to get another half a foot in the next two days amidst a blizzard. have i mentioned how much i hate snow? ok i really don't but i don't think my feet have been warm in weeks. bleh.
johnny (a girl who lives at truevine, camp down the road) came over last night and we just sat and chatted for an hour and a half. why is it so much easier to sit and chat with someone who in all honesty i've spent very little time with, yet i can't sit down and have a good conversation with some of the people i live with? and we talked about good things and i know she won't spread it anywhere, she wont' analyze it, she won't stock it away to bring back later to bite me in some way form or fashion or just hold me in a box b.c of something i said. there is freedom in sharing things with someone you know is slightly nuerotic just like yourself and doesn't care.
and then i clam up and can't find anything to say at all when i'm sitting in the car with someone else, (the someone everyone supposes is my best friend) bc i dont' feel safe to share.
time heals all wounds but also creates many in the process.
i have noticed that i become easily overwhelmed by group dynamics here..didn't really at school just let things be what they are and tried to love people. here people analyze and that makes it so much more difficult to let things develop naturally/love people. when you are constantly analyzing/picking people apart it makes it so much harder to love them. can't we just trust the Lord to heal them instead of trying to fix them ourselves?
the last thing i want is for people to 'fix' me...love me and i will change b.c you loved me just the way i am. i may change temporarily b.c of your criticism but bitterness will surely accompany it.
love is not a victory march
but a cold and broken hallelujah rufus wainwright
if love is surrender then who's war is it anyways? frou frou
i spent much of the weekend trying to dodge an awkward situation but was grateful for people to be around anyway. i love working with kids. it puts cushion between all of our strong personalities and allows me to be who i really am.
i've decided i'm done calculating/reacting. i usually go through this cycle where i realize that i spend so much of my brain power calculating and analyzing/criticizing/reacting and it doesn't really seem to get me anywhere. can you imagine how much more i could get done happily if i would just do things instead of thinking about them/stewing? i want to trust the Spirit to guide me, not my have-tos/schemes/obligations. i am a very potent driven force usually in the wrong direction (emotionally) which never stops if the Spirit doesn't guide me.
no i don't wanna wait forever
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