where is christmas this year?

you know that is a very good question
b.c i think i kind of lost it.

we were supposed to spend christmas in maryland--my sister and i.
but she got food poisoning the night before our flight and spent half the morning emptying her system of all foul and nonfoul particles. definitely not fit to travel.
we talked of meeting our parents halfway in a random hotel
or catching a flight today (monday) and then flying back again in 4 days.
if anyone knows my history with the combo of flying and driving lately, i think they'll understand why i pretty much nixed the flying option from the get go. i'd just recover and have to head back out again.
and if anyone has looked at the weather lately, you'll notice a major ice/winter mix system moving through most of indiana, ohio and pennsylvania for the next couple of days. which means my parents thought it slightly unreasonable to drive 5 hrs to meet them in pennsylvania for two days. so where is christmas this year?
at my aunt's in van wert, oh.
at least we have somewhere to go. though in my mind, camp is just about as preferable as my aunt's. but at least it means free food and good food at that. though this definitely has the possibility of being one of the most awkward christmases yet. depends on how people react to us. van wert is a funny place with certain ideas of our dad and all that he could have been if our poor mother hadn't interfered. at least after spending some time with our aunt this thanksgiving we understand a little bit better how much of a nut job our grandmother really is/was (she's not much of anything anymore). understanding where people come from really does make a difference--sometimes good, sometimes bad.
and this is where cori and i show the absolute difference in our personalities.
she simplifies. i complicate.
she says we have good parents.
i say we have good people for parents who don't really understand all that there is to themselves and to each other and we as children have experienced some of the consequences and have seen the consequences in their marriage.
i'm definitely the oldest child.

everyone wants me to be simple. i'm told i have 'emotional' issues and i need to see a counselor. i'm told i should take control and figure it out. i'm told that i need to have more faith and just believe. i'm told it's all in my head and i have far more security and stability than i think. i'm told to visualize who i want to be and start taking steps to become that.
none of it really seems to make a difference. none of it rings of the truth. i kind of feel like job.
I am complex.
I am complicated.
And when I'm not listening to what everyone else around me is saying, I generally appreciate that about myself.
I don't care if the past doesn't have to control you. It is a part of me and I would not be me without it. I would not know all that I know without it. I would not love all that I love without it. And I would not want to do all that I want to do without it.
Who am I without my experiences?

all of this to say, this christmas will be yet another experience to file away in the folders of my being, another piece in the mosaic of my personality, another lens for my not so rose-colored glasses.