a belief of mine is about to be challenged.

actually it already is being challenged.

and whatever happens in this situation--

it will be changed because of it.

me and relationships--

very practical. incredibly logical.

they take work, intentionality, and they aren't always fun.

as a matter of fact, having fun is well, a bonus--not expected, especially not right away.

i have lots of people in my life that i have worked hard with which to build relationships.

most of all i know i'm not going to like them all of the time. period.

i know i'm going to want to run away and try the next new adventure.

But God keeps me grounded because people are in my life for a reason--though i don't always entirely know why.

now translate that to a romantic relationship, combine it with my disdain for romanticism and idealization, and you can see a very practical belief forming. a belief in a whole lotta work with no heart behind it. i have been saturated with the idea that romantic love is anything but infatuation and hormones. That is what I have soaked in from my culture, quite unknowingly. But instead of taking their route of short term physical relationships with very little hope of commitment, i've resigned myself to the idea of a committed relationship full of a whole lotta work and very little heart. Because that idea leads to the belief that love between a husband and wife isn't any different than love between friends! yeesh. that's scary.

and depressing.

and why the hell would i want any of that?!

so as i realize that, i'm going to take a leap here and make a stand. while i don't believe in the romantic love that our culture portrays (and i will continue to disdain it for the lies that it tells), i do believe romantic love exists. Though i'll be honest, i'm not entirely sure what healthy romantic love looks like. but i think i'm finally willing to give it a try. . . .

i'm beginning to think i'm a little defunct.

is it weird that i'd just prefer NOT to categorize people?

that i'd prefer NOT to focus on those who are married/dating versus those who aren't?

or those who are working professionals and those who aren't?

or those who have kids and those who do not?

or...heaven forbid, let's push the envelope here...

those who love Jesus and those who don't?

people are people.

plain and simple.

and i'm pretty good with where i'm at right now so i'd prefer not to be categorized and i'll do the same for you. but i'd love to hear your story and listen to your struggles, marvel in your joys. i'd love to dig deep with you and bring Truth to the surface. i'd love to talk about hope and joy and love and faith--what that looks like for you. i'd prefer not to get caught up in labels and stereotypes. Truth doesn't come through categorizing. Hope isn't found in a box. Joy does not flow from the shallows. Faith is not revealed in pat answers.

so can we abandon these soap boxes about issues and start listening to people?

i think that might be where it's all at.

holidays make my skin crawl . . .

don't want it to be like that, but if i'm honest, they really do.

probably because every year til recently

it was the season of tug-of-war

and awkward gift giving

and uncomfortable dinner conversations

and general insecurity.

who really wants that?

it makes me shudder to think back on it.

now it's more neutral.

calm.

small.

simple.

but it's going to take about another decade before I stop gritting my teeth in preparation. after all how long does it take to erase 18+ years of all that? and of course, being the artistic type, i am the only one in my immediate family who notices and stores these things mentally and emotionally.

can't wait til it's all over so i can breathe again.

til next year . . .

it'll get easier with time.

ooof.

there are conflicting things inside.

the emotion on the surface

and the truth that is deeper

i don't know why i did what i did.

i wish i knew.

i know why i've done it in the past,

-or at least i thought i did.

what choked inside of me?

why couldn't i follow through?

and what freezes me now?

why do i continue to dwell on this?

why can't i let it go?

my communication sucks.

i don't appreciate being laughed at

or blamed.

damn it.

why the hell is it all my fault?

i tried to deter.

i tried to persuade.

and instead i just got screwed.

it's all my fault.

my emotions just want to accept the blame and grovel and swear i'll never do it again.

BUT I NEVER DO IT ANYWAYS!

i think.

i plan.

i take others into consideration.

i try to make the best to bring people together.

i set aside my own interests for the interests of others.

i go. i meet. i reach out. i don't expect others to come to me.

but what if the interests of others are in conflict?

oh wait they're always in conflict.

and no one else ever seems to realize that.

i listen repeatedly to people say in private how they don't want to do things. they don't want to go places. they don't want to reach out. they want others to come to them. i question whether they even want to see me. i don't plan things because i don't want people to come who don't want to be there. i hesitate to reach out because i don't want people to only talk to me because they feel obligated.

i go with the flow because i don't care. because all i really want is for people to be together. that's what makes me happy. that's what makes me feel loved. i don't know that people get that about me. but sometimes you can't have everyone be together and be happy.

and last night was one of those nights.

and either way i looked like an idiot and guilted and blamed.

into my shell i go...

to recover.

i kinda skipped work today.

kinda...

i didn't mean to but something made me run.

sure i didn't feel good,

but i knew why...stupid coffee

but instead of holding it together til it passed,

i cut and ran.

because i'm tired of holding it together til it passes...

til i'm not tired anymore...

til my brain returns...

til i can focus...

til the knot of anxiety disappears and the exhaustion leaves.

damn it.

i'm anxious.

there. i said it out loud.

i've spent all day in bed...drifting in and out

because i'm exhausted...

but i can't make my heart stop pounding in my chest.

the second consciousness sweeps in, every muscle in my body tenses and my heart rate picks up again.

all the ideas inside my head, all the things i must do, all the bills that must be paid, the people that i want to see, the places i want to go, the dreams-

it is too much.

i'm overwhelmed.

and i'm tired of being overwhelmed.

i'm tired of using tv to shut it off.

or sleep to escape.

i am so tired of the pressure i put on myself,

this neurotic need to improve.

i love life.

i love living.

i love dreaming and doing.

i love people and spending time with them.

i love being creative and using it to bless others.

but sometimes i get lost in it all.

and i hate being lost.

hate. it.

so i guess i took a mental health day--

to find myself again.

there are people who make you ...

... more of you

who set you free

to just be.

light.

air.

the very essence of life.

soaking it up.

reveling.

dancing.

it gives me hope;

makes my heart light--

to find another soul that resonates so well;

that echoes my own.

not many answer my call.

most don't even hear it.

very few can sing along.

we can have friends by many circumstances.

by sheer length of time.

by proximity.

by a common experience.

by interest.

by goal.

by heart.

and by soul.

a glimpse of heaven. now.

God gives us glimpses, moments, sometimes hours,

when eternity touches the finite.

it comes unplanned with little premonition and outside of reason.

a collision of time, place, mood, and people--never to be replicated.

but there are those in our lives who bring it a little bit closer a little more frequently.

i drink and drink deeply, finding joy in His gracious gift, always in the unexpected.

thank you God for the unexpected.

i've got an itch--

but i can't figure out how to scratch it.

it's an internal itch

that lies somewhere in my chest.

it comes and goes, ebbs and flows.

it makes me want to do something rash.

i think, i ponder what would scratch.

i listen.

it calls for good company, for laughter, for light.

for easy conversation and quick banter.

everyday life forgotten.

time stands still.

eternity within my grasp.

it longs to be carefree, uncalculated, irrational.

for something new and fresh.

awash with passion.

the familiar left behind.

eternity with my grasp.

i long for eternity within my grasp.