i feel like i'm encountering the same things and thereby, in danger of feeling the same things.
and so in hopes of not feeling the same things because i'm tired of this stage/cycle, i just avoid.

not the people or the situations--just the feelings.
after all, how many times can a person get frustrated and feel hollow inside because of their lack of direction?
i really attempt to avoid it at all costs, trust me. i hate feeling this way as much as you hate listening to it.
i try to abide in Christ and trust His plan. and so often, my emotions stay in line.
but right here, right now it doesn't do anything for the frustration that seethes beneath the surface.
i don't trust. plain and simple.
it's not that my life sucks. it's actually quite alright.
which is why this hollow feeling inside my chest just doesn't quite make sense.
and bothers me so much.
i have a stable, pretty enjoyable living situation.
i have many good friends.
i have a stable albeit directionless job.
my finances are in good standing.
my health is good, i'm even taking time to get in shape.
i have many art projects and ideas started.

yet this frustration from somewhere is boiling over.
and here i am puzzled, trying to understand what i lack.
there's something God is asking of me. i don't know what it is.
and i'm too afraid to ask.

something deep, that will take much time to uncover.
the task seems never ending and insurmountable.
i spend an hour or two and feel like i've not even begun.
i tire easily and distract myself.
give me strength to rest.

hit by a truck
on the ground
pumping blood to nowhere

hanging on the edge
coiled like a spring
running in circles

death slowly creeps
lurking unbelief
hollow exhaustion

two steps ahead
not even--
fog.

hints of light
outlines of things to come
the taste nearly on lips

still out of reach

space between hemispheres
of the brain
reprieve from the ever-demanding present

nowhere
and yet somewhere.
how can one go there if it doesn't exist?

and yet it is the space between
the present and the past and the future
the thoughts of myself and others
demands and desires--
where none of them exist.

where my own plans don't conflict
with the plans of others.
where my thoughts don't fight to be heard
over others.
where my heart doesn't struggle to feel right
--or wrong.

where one can just be.

where answers don't matter
and questions can always be asked.

sometimes the pleasure is in the asking--
not the answer.

how i love to ask questions.
to let my mind wander
without being hemmed in.
answers trap, confine, choke.

a time and a place
but not here, not now.
just need some space.

it's hard to hide
the mind's eye
the heart's desire

empty, searching
dwelling in the space between
sometimes things just need to be

what they are
without explanation
sometimes the heart needs to rest

in the imperfection
the messiness of life
feel the full weight of the present

hidden under the clothes
of the past and future
hopes, dreams, fears, nightmares

behind laughter ends
raw emotion begins
escape to silence

the unknown glaring
gaping an empty quarry
water wearing away

dissolving resolve.

hittin'
bumpin'
bruisin'
up against a brick wall

ping pong
back and forth
from one ego to the next
tossed to and fro

weary
from all the talk
the endless need to fill the space
the pressure to conform
to change

do my words require an answer?
why is there always an answer?
as i share
my thoughts hit that wall called ego

i'm not asking for defenses
i'm not asking for reasons
my words are not meant to indict
they're just my thoughts
take them or leave them
but stop fighting them
it's wearing me out

i stop sharing
when i have to fight to be heard
when i hit a brick wall
only a fool would keep trying

i'm so tired.
and i'm tired of being tired.

i feel like i've been punishing myself.
punishing myself for being young.
for being single.
creative.
smart.

i think i've been working against myself for the last few years.
maybe my whole life.
making choices that show how responsible i am.
taking actions that groom my maturity.
doing things to prove i'm worthwhile.
and you know i wanted God to work all that proving, working stuff out of me.
and yet here i am.
still proving myself.
still trying to shout hey look at me i'm worth something...aren't i? i need you to tell me that.
and i am so tired.
beyond tired.
beyond exhaustion.
sleep does not fulfill.
a day on the beach won't be enough.
a week of vacation just stems the tide of exhaustion.

God, how do I stop it?
how do I just be?
be who You want me to be--nothing more, nothing less.
i've wasted so much energy either hiding who i am or trying to be more than i am--but mostly hiding.
i'm such a wimp.
there's nothing more to say.
i've cowered for so long, i wonder if i remember how to stand up straight.
i've ignored my desires in an attempt to be noble.
noble my ass.
i'm stubborn like an ass though that's for sure.
God rid all self-deprecation in heart, word, and deed.
may i be only who You have created me to be.
amen.

i just had a wonderful conversation with a dear dear friend.
it's funny how in sharing things and listening, one ends up confronting oneself. you'd think by now, i'd know this and be used to it. and yet i continued to be surprised.

she was sharing how she sees certain parts of her past as something that doesn't need to be addressed or talked about, believing the lie that they are invalid. and then by the end of our conversation, i was left haunted by something that i considered a blip in my recent past. sigh. and so the processing starts again.

it's a gift, to be able to tell and retell our stories. it's a gift to ourselves and to others. i love stories. i don't think there is a better way to spend a day than finding out someone's story. and the greatest gift we are given in Christ is how He transforms our stories...past, present, and future.