v-day

Who can say when the roads meet
That love might be in your heart
And who can say when the day sleeps
If the night keeps all your heart

valentine's day...
you know i have to write something about it
after all i'm that cynic about such things
that hard ass that secretly watches chick flicks on her own
.....well its not so secret anymore.

but i've worked really hard on that.
everybody knows i love a good chick flick
and i've REALLY tried to cut down on the biting cynical comments
i think i'd even venture to say that most people would not consider me a bitter person anymore.

I don't consider myself a bitter person anymore--
and I'm my own harshest critic.

but I still sit while watching a chick flick or listening to my friends talk about their relationships, and I question. I question what is the worth of love in that kind of relationship? These people seemed to have found it and also seem to consider it more valuable than life itself.
Do they lie?
Are they disillusioned?
Or is it only for some people?
I think I've come to a point where I see that it's not a lie. That it does exist in some form.
But I've been told for so long
not to dwell on that,
not to plan it,
not to idolize it,
not to live for it...

that I'm not sure
how to know it,
how to recognize it,
how to believe that it does exist,
how to live with it.

It's as if I've been told for so long to get it out of my life, that its not all there is
and I've taken it to heart so much, that I've forgotten that it even exists.
I've forgotten that maybe it is something that I want.
and I haven't the slightest idea what I'm even looking for anymore.

And I think it might be getting me into a bit of trouble.
because I'm this wide open target for guys to like and since I don't know what I want, different parts of me want different guys.
And then I begin to rationalize
and reason
my way out
and in
and around
because surely if one versus another is supposed to work for me, then I would feel more strongly, that I would not just think with my head but feel with my heart especially after I've left the moment. but nothing ever sticks with me. and nothing ever shuts my brain up.
and in the end that's all I really want...
is for someone to stick with me.
and to shut my brain up.
not because I made him/he made me
or because I flirted enough,
but just because life/God made us that way.
is that too much to ask?
things around me seem to be saying as much.



except for one...but that's a whole different story....
which has only one word to describe it--impossible.