life is so ironic.
or maybe I just see it that way.
maybe I look for the irony.
I think I do.

something has happened in the last few months while I wasn't looking.
I didn't have time to. it was one thing after the other.
at work.
at home.
out and about.
in my head and my heart.
somewhere in the chaos I found a few pieces of myself--
more than I expected.

it's funny how that happens.
so often we come through experiences, times when we just survive, on the other side, surprised by the pieces with which we are left.

I'm really starting to like those pieces.

even just six months ago, I would've quaked when confronted at work, or even by a friend. now, not so much. this girl who has grown up, hiding in the shadows, all too often forgotten. just as much crushed by the anonymity as reveling in it. for the first time i'm meeting people fully myself, without filter (though still possessing some tact, i hope). that shy girl, she still comes out. but she's not who I am anymore. she was born of insecurity. yes, I'm an introvert and oft overwhelmed by loud noises, crowded places, smells, etc. not because I'm less of a person, just different.

I like that I like what I like.
no longer shamed by my personality, I can truly be me.
however ridiculous and honest and awkward and fun and quirky that may be.

subtle shift
something deeper is satisfied
life feels lighter

i've wrestled...
and won, for now.
til the next time.

but then it will be different,
while still the same.
and only One gives Hope.

it's funny to say when exactly freedom came.
i've only just noticed it.

nothing drastic has changed on the outside.
but space is now mine.

space to hear and see.
so simple.
a walk.
a day alone.
time to cook my own meal.

no longer living on borrowed time.

i have brief moments of clarity, like the smoke screen is lifted for just a second.
they haven't been happening as much lately. i chalk it up to all the 'otherness' demanding my attention.
it's not just attention, it's energy and general mind space.
i. want. my. mind space. back.

give it to me.
it's a tug of war.
me on one side.
and life on the other.
and right now i'm acting like a two year old who is desperately losing and throwing a hissy fit.

the present realities weigh me down. they empty me of my previous selves and my future selves. i lose sight so easily. and then something like this morning jars me. it reminds me of where i've come from. ah, how i have forgotten where i've come from. it's so easy to do here. this world is so disconnected from everything i've known before. to fully be myself now requires remembering who i have been.

people that i know now. here. know me better, more fully, than i've ever been known before. i am free to be who i want to be. that is the beauty of the east coast. freedom. but with that freedom can come great listlessness. i'm finding when you aren't grounded in your past, the present feels random and monotonous, without meaning and very little sense of progress. the past, it still leaks out. but it's not nearly as obvious when the people around you don't know it. and when your present circumstances are so far removed from anything you've ever known before.

i was totally dumbstruck riding home with a friend at 3 a.m. from a rooftop party in brooklyn. i think exhaustion removed the filter of hiding where i've been. to him, it wasn't strange. he's from brooklyn. we drove by the hospital in which he was born. and words failed me. there was absolutely no way for me to effectively communicate how drastically removed this life is from anything i've known thus far. no way. the sheer shock and how out of my element i felt. that is something i still feel many, many ordinary days.
if my childhood friends knew me now. what would they say?
this adel is nothing like the one they knew.
and if my current friends knew me when i was a child, what would they say?
would we even be friends?

i am such a product of that with which i surround myself, immersed in the experience.
addicted to experience. often wondering if i'm lost in others' experiences.

maybe as artists we are just meant to provide people with a backdrop to see themselves.

‎"People [always] think you are better than you are or worse than you are no matter who you are. So don't EVER let your identity exist anywhere as easily corrupted as the mind of another...messes with your head."

just need to sit for awhile.
sit and be.

show me please who i am supposed to be.
show me please how to be me.

who can i lean on?
who will save me?

keep and sustain me.

I'm struggling with this dichotomy,
not that i expect there to be an answer.
but always valuable to state a paradox.
to fully hold one in tension with the other--
if only for a moment.

exhaustion.
what is the cause?
when is it good?
when is it bad?

when is it a sign that one is forcing something that shouldn't happen?
when is it a sign to quit?
when is it my own fault, fighting a fight i shouldn't fight?
when is it to be ignored?
when does one push through, persevere, etc?
and when do i say enough?

what do you do when you can't say enough?
when there isn't an option to say no?

how long is too long?
and how long is not enough?

see i've got this stubborn streak in me
this indignation that springs up

sometimes i think it's a personal vendetta upon some people
let's be honest, sometimes it is.

other times it's just in response to someone's attempt to make me what i'm not.
how i can't stand that.
it calls up a frustration that runs deep.

and then there's lies.
blatant lies.

there's a difference between growth and conformity.
between truth and projection.
conflict and aggression.

i seek the growth that truth brings and recognize it often means conflict especially in myself and possibly in others. I welcome that kind of conflict.
i also fully acknowledge that i have a tendency to run away from messy conflict, frustration, aggression, etc. but you can sure as hell bet, i'm not going to stand up for something that i don't agree with.
so don't tell me i should.

when did sharing the gospel become a crusade of rights?

to be fighting for truth is to dismantle the lies we all believe about ourselves, about God, about life.
i fight on the ground. in people's lives.
you can fight your crusade of rights.
don't mind me if i choose not to.

Psalm 139
English Standard Version (ESV)
Search Me, O God, and Know My Heart

To the choirmaster. A Psalm of David.

139 O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
    you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
    and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
    behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
    and lay your hand upon me.
6  Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
    it is high; I cannot attain it.
7  Where shall I go from your Spirit?
    Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8  If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
     If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
    and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
    and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
    and the light about me be night,”
12  even the darkness is not dark to you;
    the night is bright as the day,
    for darkness is as light with you.
13 For you formed my inward parts;
    you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.[a]
Wonderful are your works;
    my soul knows it very well.
15  My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
    intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
    the days that were formed for me,
    when as yet there was none of them.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18  If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
    I awake, and I am still with you.
19 Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
    O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
    your enemies take your name in vain.[b]
21  Do I not hate those who hate you, O Lord?
    And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
    I count them my enemies.
23 Search me, O God, and know my heart!
     Try me and know my thoughts![c]
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
    and lead me in the way everlasting![d]

This psalm is incredibly familiar to us, as my coworker stated when giving the devotion. And it is often these that we breeze over with pure intellectual assent.Today however as I listened to my coworker bring out the nuance of the Hebrew (the Hebrew word translated as hem here is used in other places meaning to seige as in battle), the Spirit brought out a comfort for my heart as well as my intellect that echoed throughout our conversation the other week.

I desire to be known. It is something that has destroyed me many, many times. I have met with utter failure, disgrace, shame, and bitterness in my efforts to be known by family, friends, classmates, teachers, directors, bosses, coworkers, did i say friends?, and dare i not forget, boyfriends. And oh yes let's not forget the means by which I often try to make myself known, my art, music, creativity, activities, intellect, advice, presence, participation, listening ear, wisdom, and the list goes on...and on...and on. It drives the way I listen to others, how I treat children, why I take the time, why I give seemingly endlessly to others' efforts. I am passionate about making people know that they are known. Because we all desire to be known.

Today, though, God answered a prayer for me. He spoke a healing word to my heart. He took care of me.

He knows my desire to be known. And He created me with that desire so that I would know Him better.
He made me this way.
He knows the perpetual ache of my heart to be known, even by myself. He knows the frustration I often feel and how it manifests itself in so many ridiculous ways.He gets the drive that keeps me looking for jobs, for the next location, for the better way to be a friend, for the next outlet for creativity.
He gets it because He put it there. Because He loves me!

Thank God my family did not notice me growing up.
Thank God my parents did not understand me as a teenager.
Thank God my teachers' praise never fully satisfied.
Thank God my brains are never enough.
Thank God my creativity leaves me restless.
Thank God my friends drive me crazy sometimes.
Thank God a man has not come into my life.
Thank God I have no children by which to fill my life.
Thank God my job drains me of life.
Thank God I am often overlooked.
Thank God I am often unappreciated, used, abused, taken for granted.
Thank God my hard work will always leave me wanting.
Thank God my life is just a shadow of what is to come.
Thank God that I am never fully known. here. now. by anyone. or through anything.

Otherwise, I would not search. I would not pine. I would not press to find my worth in You.
Thank God that You, and only You have made me known.