i think i have effectively passed my day here at the Wilson House doing absolutely nothing for work....

lots of thinking...typing...planning...

but nothing work related. ha.

it is insane that i can pass an entire day writing emails and reading blog posts and researching wedding things and who knows what else...(sounds like i'm getting married-but trust me, i'm not. just everyone else around me)

but i gotta admit, i kinda like it.

i couldn't do it all the time...but every once in a while it sure is nice.

entire days can pass away in my mind.

days spent wondering and wandering.

and i'm the happiest person in the world.

they're great learning days, processing life.

deciding what to hold onto and what to let go.

what's worthwhile and what's not.

who i am and what i am doing.

do you ever just want to stare off into space?

its not that i'm tired. or even overwhelmed.

sometimes i just need to be.

i'd forgotten what it was like to be free.

but someone came along at just the right moment and showed me how again.

that knot-oh that knot. it's gone.

the relief is so tangible, i readily breathe a sigh of relief.

it goes beyond wedding planning, car fixing, hospitalization, moving, new job, moving, americorps, moving, working 2 jobs, dunkin donuts, moving, not knowing what i'm doing with my life, interning, moving, counseling, moving, moving--all the way back to college. (man, have i moved a lot.) all the way back to that girl who lived free.

how sweet it was. free to float and flit and explore. to look at the dates on tombstones or wander around, late at night, musing out loud. to dwell in simplicity together. there were people to do it with me. it's not that i've stopped between college and now, being who i am. it's that i stopped trusting others to do it with me. it's that i couldn't find them. no, that's not even true.

it's that i didn't stay put in one place long enough to trust them. and life got in the way. bills. job searching. apartment hunting. when the big things are uncertain, you stop taking risks in the little things. that's what i've learned over the last few years.

you stop hanging out randomly with people b.c you're too exhausted from the instability of your job, your life, your lack of place in the world.

you can't hop on a plane and fly to another part of world on a whim because anxiety might keep you from getting on the flight. let alone the money...

large, loud, overwhelming places shut you down instead of energize you because you can't find enough space from minute to minute to breathe.

simplicity gets lost in the complexity of having to live life alone and grown up, responsible.

but there must be a way to keep it. a way to feel it in my soul, even as my mind and body is confined. a way to live and love simplicity and be free, to maintain childlike abandonment, amongst the drudgery of the american dream. to not worry about tomorrow, but live for today. i think i've been brainwashed into responsibility.

there's just this tension inside of me, the many sides of my personality. the body that needs to be structured, the mind that needs to be challenged, the heart that needs to be loved, the soul that needs to be free, and they continually conflict with each other. my body needs regular sleep and rest but my heart and soul keep me out late at night. my soul wants to be free of the worries of every day life but my body needs me to work a regular job to house and feed myself. my mind loves to be challenged with tasks and responsibilities for it is easily bored but those tasks and responsibilities often monopolize my life.

i like me but sometimes i don't know what to do with me.

the feeling that sits in your chest...

like a rock.

the knot that doesn't let you sleep.

you close your eyes and pictures plague your brain.

halfway comatose and still,

the knot plagues you.

doubts.anger.hurt.stress.frustration.

coiled up inside, a spring tightly wound ready to explode into fear.

push it to edge of consciousness and drug oneself to sleep, hoping for peace-

which never comes.

i can't face it though.

if i face it, i'll die.

it'll consume me.

and i will no longer feel.

what blatant lies.

how readily i believe.

the darkness will pass.

and light will come.

hope will dawn.

pain does not last.

joy triumphs.

but until then...

side note: i just finished writing a summary of the events leading up to my hospital visit and effectively concluded that yes, it was the doctor's fault. now what do i do with that?

before writing that, i was thinking all day about writing some semi-romantic, poetic post about longing for lost has-beens and a good cup of coffee with a friend. because i have to say, i most definitely miss the art of coffee shops and enjoying good, slow conversation with a close friend. it's a hankering that i just haven't been able to shake over the last few weeks. clips of memories from coffee shops past and good conversation have been flitting across my mind, stirring up longing for at least part of a life i used to know. if there's one thing michigan knows how to do, it is its coffee shops (and bars though saloons would almost be a better word). mm, if i could just get a taste of that here, i'd know i've arrived. i can think of 5 fantastic coffee shops, places to hang with interesting people and random conversations just dying to be started...within 45 minutes of where i used to live. (and 45 minutes of michigan time is waaay different and less stressful than 45 minutes of new jersey time travelling) decor that beckoned one to sit and explore the space surrounding. smells that told stories. and coffee...well, it wasn't always the best but it had character according to the location. and it was DEFINITELY better than starbucks or dunkin donuts. oh wait, dunkin donuts barely eeks out an existence in michigan.

and now don't even get me started on chicago. it's like michigan's coffee shops compressed into a much smaller space with so much more frequency one never goes without. i wish i could take you there...show you the nooks, the crannies. the places i know! how'd i love to share.

there's so much i do here and now in this life that i live at present that is on my own. weird, unique, quirky things that i don't need to share with anyone to gain satisfaction. taking walks in the woods (yes, i've found woods on the east coast, it is a miracle). cooking up random concoctions. writing while sitting in random places. exploring random stores. planting/taking care of my little green buddies. immersing myself in sights and sounds of the city. going to the library (which by the way i need to find in my area). just enjoying the area i live in. but a good cup of coffee is not always meant to be while one is working or sitting at home reading or journaling or furiously plowing away at a project. conversation brings out the flavor in ways no roasting or brewing method can. i miss that flavor.

guess i could still write that post after figuring out that my near death experience was at the fault of another human being....

i do wonder if some aches ever die.

if we ever stop missing the people we've known but don't see anymore.

they were so much a part of my life.

and then i left.

i couldn't have stayed, that much is clear.

i needed more. more than they could give--not that i was asking them to.

but somehow that doesn't make the ache for that which was rooted, oh so rooted, in time and in depth. a depth that only time can procure. i wish i could bring them all together and be entirely present with each one. some day...

i just want it all. is that too much to ask? :-P

sometimes a knot sits within.
and where it comes from is hard to discern.
and what will loosen it is impossible to describe.

but i am struck by the observation...
that things are better the second or third time around.
and that maybe we miss that beauty when we're stuck in the need for perfection.

instead of reveling in the grace of a second chance,
we are frozen by the past.
bitterness taints the joy of the present.
fear paralyzes the freedom of the next decision.

rather than learn and rejoice in a lesson well learned,
guilt overwhelms, demanding penance.

but life pushes forward, with increasing fervor,
bubbling and frothing with possibilities.
and here we sit preoccupied with the past,
missing the present and denying ourselves the grace of the future.

let it flow.
for the sake of Grace, let it flow.

i may have just picked the best township EVER to live in.

may have.

well except i didn't pick it. He did.

and no folks, this is not a sarcastic comment.

i know that's hard to believe.

but i don't know where else i could walk, that's right walk, 15 minutes through apartment complexes (that disgust me how they are piled on top of each other) to a hiking trail and happen upon a wide open field with 5-10 deer grazing at dusk. or drive 15 minutes north and be in a bustling metropolitan city filled with arts and a university and inner city children and so many needs. or drive 15 minutes west and feel like i'm in the middle of nowhere with farms and one lane back roads. or drive 15 minutes south and be in a whole different kind of college town that some times makes me briefly feel like i'm in paris. or drive 30 minutes east and be at the ocean. or hop on the train and be in nyc in an hour. folks, its official. i can have my cake and eat it too.

i finally have found a place that is still accessible to the rest of the world...which i love most of the time. and yet allows me to be completely alone and outdoors when i need it to keep my sanity. and it's so close. while i still miss chicago, i have to say, since i am a person who likes my options, this just might work.

it just might work.

it's been awhile.

many things have happened.

life caught up to me and in a very dramatic way.

as a result things have come into much sharper focus.

and the sun, green trees, and fresh, warm air help as well.

i felt like i was supposed to write an email--one of my mass random ones--last week. but life got in the way. so it didn't happen. i sat down once to write it and the draft still sits in my email. it just wasn't coming.

i have been struck by an overwhelming sense, deep down, that life is good. hope seems to be taking root. and when i say taking root, i mean, burying itself deep into the fiber of my soul and giving life, full life. it is deeper than i've ever believed anything before. i'm not capable of such belief. i know, it's not me believing, but Him believing for/within me that there is hope. it is drowned out easily. a still small Voice quickly overrun by the voices of others. doubt assails, screaming, clawing for my attention and it wins for awhile. before this last week or so, it triumphed because i was too busy listening to others. but somewhere in the chaos, somewhere in almost having my very own life ripped away from me, God has given me peace like a river. even though i am suffocated by my job, left with a relationship i had wished would go somewhere but has not, and witnessing a great deal of brokenness around me, there is hope.

i think it is a result of what i was originally going to write my email about. a devotional was given at work about 1 cor 15 and how the hope found in belief in Christ's resurrection and of our own resurrection shows we do not labor in vain. that without belief that there is a life to come, that there is something much bigger than ourselves, the vanity of our labors inevitably leads to despair. that the promise of a new heaven and a new earth puts in sharp contrast how temporary and fleeting our screwed up world is.

now let me tell you. i labor. i'm the empress of labor. i'm a get 'er done kinda person. i revel in a project completed, a child's life changed. but my current job is an endless list of mindless minute labors. i find it so hopeless. so utterly and completely in vain. but at least in that i know and have known from the beginning of taking this job that it is for a time and God has made it very clear, it is exactly where He wants me. though i scream on the inside sometimes because my patience wears thin.

but the one area of my life i have keenly felt that i labor in vain and have truly struggled to believe otherwise, is in relationships. most keenly, my desire to have that one person to share life with, i have declared vanity time and time again. and i have declared my previous painful experiences and humiliating emotions in search of that person vanity as well. i do not trust that God uses them though i've stared the progress He has made in my life quite often squarely in the eye. i have not been listening to Him so He had to wait until i was broken, weak from my struggling to run away.

Then God spoke truth into my self-proclaimed darkness.

He spoke light into the crevices of my soul.

And hope has begun to grow.

though i'll admit i still feel a little like a 4yr old looking at her daddy with a puckered lip saying but why? i know you love me but why? sigh.

He is not done with me yet. thank you Lord. and He has left me here on this earth for awhile longer so surely there must be more He wants to do through me as well. and for that i am very grateful--and hopeful.