Conversations at loud parties are so much fun! Frees me up to be more expressive than I would be in normal conversation without scaring the person half to death. Granted I tend to match whatever style of conversation a person has. But that's for another post. 

Talking with a friend last night, speaking to his insecurities and baggage that he carries from his pasts, made me realize I was preaching at myself. I could speak so well to him because it was like I was talking to myself without having to recognize it.

Generalization: There are two kinds of people in the world of relationships. Those who see relationships as hard work as they attempt to remain themselves and those who find them to be utter bliss in which to lose themselves. It's really more of a spectrum, one on which I fall more on the side of hard work and less on the utter bliss. I'd prefer to be myself and be alone rather than lose myself and share life with someone else.

I used to tire of all people. My annoyance with them and exhaustion from them would drive me to isolate. There are so many reasons why. Reasons I can see more clearly now that they no longer exist. My own insecurities were often reflected in the other and I could not bear to look at myself.
Those same insecurities drove me to need to be needed and kept me in situations of emotional over involvement time and time again.
Meanwhile all the time, attempting to be what the other person wanted instead of who I really was always resulted in exhaustion. Hiding is incredibly exhausting.

So you would think being set froom from those insecurities, the hiding, the confusion would mean that I'm now free to be on my own. And while it has rid me of the need to be needed, it has also freed me to be in the company of others without hindrance. It has freed me to find true enjoyment in knowing and being known. But sometimes I lose sight of that.

For instance in the last few days with the moving of my roommate, I've found myself wanting to isolate and detach from those I know because I don't like the feeling of loss. I'm aware of it but I don't always have the strength to fight it. But last night a friend urged me to come out to this party where I had this conversation with another friend about how it is good to be in relationship. Yes, you'll have those times where their decisions affect you in ways that totally stress you out (packing up a roommate's stuff in less than 24 hrs :-P) or leave you feeling a bit hollow on the inside (missing said roommate while another gets engaged), but to know well and be known well far outweighs the broken moments of this world. Fear of hurting or being hurt should not keep us in our own little worlds because we'll miss the good of life and love. That is true redemption.